Mommy's halloween costume

WARNING: Picture with staples in my head at the bottom of this message. May not be for those with a queasy stomach.


I had my first chemo treatment into my head today. A little needle prick, but that was it for pain. Injecting the chemo took about 5 to 10 minutes to administer. I then had to go home and lie flat for a couple hours. There was concern about headaches, like one would get with a lumbar puncture. However, so far, no side effects. Praise God!


I still have all my other aches and pains, plus a few more that have developed recently. But we're praying that the chemo will help take those symptoms away...without taking away anymore of my brain function.

And as I look at this picture, I was thinking, hey, I'm going to have a scar of my initial "C" on my head. There are people who pay big money to have such scars made...oh, it's not like my surgery was cheap. I guess I'm more shocked that people CHOOSE to do crazy stuff like that....having letters carved into their body!
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He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High, who abides in the shadow of the Almighty, will say to the Lord, My refuge and my fortress; my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:1-2

Surgery Recap, plus 2 monkeys and a ninja

I arrived at the hospital at 5:30 AM as scheduled. After I got all settled with checking in and putting on my hospital attire and such, they had to draw blood, put an IV in me etc. As what often happens, there were problems finding a vein and I had to be poked a few times.

Next, I had to have my blood platelets checked...as they were low earlier that week. (As I always say, I'm not medical, so half my medical information could be wrong. Plus, I feel the brain radiation or tumor has been doing quite the number on my shortterm memory, so that doesn't help my inability to explain things correctly either.) But anyhow, I do believe the blood platelets have something to do with blood clotting. So if they were to cut into my head, it would be important to have the correct number of platelets so I wouldn't bleed all over. One thing that could bring my platelets down would be certain medication...like the Celebrex I had been taking. Although I had stopped taking it as soon as I found out I was having the surgery, I really needed to stop it sooner.

So when I was tested again surgery morning, the platelets were not up to par. Therefore, they were going to have to do a transfusion of platelets. Which ended up being a bigger ordeal because they were giving me platelets for A+ blood, but I am B+ (or maybe I'm B-). Regardless, they had the wrong blood type dripping in my IV. My dear husband had to call several places, including his own clinic to find out if it was okay for me to proceed with the transfusion. It was ridiculous, and I have to say I was very disappointed in this hospital with regards to this, and I began to think that maybe this was a sign that the surgery shouldn't be done. It took awhile for it to be verified that for platelets, it's okay if the blood types aren't the same, as long as I don't have more than a few bags of them. Which would not be a problem if there were no major complications.

After waiting for the transfusion and the retesting, and more poking, it was discovered that my platelets went up some, but not as much as the doctors wanted. By this time, my surgeon had started his other surgery. And I was in A LOT of pain. I couldn't eat or drink anything,...no coffee.....and the pain meds that they were putting in my IV would only work for about 5 or 10 minutes, more or less just giving me a little anxiety relief, not really taking away the pain in my neck, back, arms, head, just lessening it some. But then the pain would quickly come back.

All the while I'm just waiting for test results and such surrounding this blood issue. It was then decided that I would have another transfusion of platelets, which they would start right away as I was being taken back to the operating room. So at around 3:30, a new anesthesiologist came out to tell me that he was taking over, since the other one was now off duty....that's how long it had been. They still had other prep to do, so the testing and such would be done while I was in the OR, sedated and out of pain. Actually, just before they wheeled me out, they administered me some medicine to "help me relax" as they put it, and relax I did. Before I even got to the OR, I was knocked out. Finally!

At this point my mom, who had joined us at the hospital, went home to take Max and Ella trick or treating. (Thanks Katie for taking Cameron). My husband and dad stayed at the hospital until my surgery was over....or something like that.

I don't really remember too much directly after surgery. I was sent to the ICU, but honestly, I didn't need to be there. My nurse Ruth was very surprised at all that I was able to do. Any pain that I had was gone....the morphine worked quite well. And my sweet husband had brought me a Caramel Machiato, so I had my caffeine fix that I so very needed. I was up on and off all night, but that's normal for me these days. And that gave the opportunity to talk to my nurse a little read some scripture to lift my spirits and give me hope for healing.

After some confusion, especially since it is very rare for someone to be discharged from the ICU, I was finally able to come home after lunch.

I was able to go to church today, and but also spent a lot of the day resting. My dad went home this morning back to New Jersey, but my mom is still here. I am so grateful that my dad was able to be here for the surgery, and so thankful for all my mom's continued help.

Now tomorrow, they do the first round of chemotherapy. I'm actually going to a new chemo place, with a new oncologist. That makes me a little nervous, because I liked my old oncologist. But I just couldn't bring myself to go back to the chemo area. I had written on my blog when I first started chemo over a year ago how chaotic the environment was. And I just felt like I needed something more relaxing, especially considering all my anxiety issues. The chemo regiment I'm receiving is basically the same one suggested by my first oncologist, so I just felt like I needed to make this change now...although I do feel bad leaving my other doctor.

The chemo administration is not supposed to take long. They'll just inject it into the little "bubble" that you can't even see under the skin of my head. I am nervous about the process though. Please pray with me that this chemo works. Everyday I seem to get a new symptom of my worsening condition, so we need for this chemo to kick in and do it's job....pronto! God gave the knowledge for these medical advancements so we know they can work!

Thank you everyone for your continued prayers, desserts, meals, cards, well wishes, help with the kids, patience with me, etc. I am so grateful that God had placed you all in my life.

First John 5: 14, 15 (be confident in your prayers)

Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.

Home at last

I'm finally back home. Thank you everyone for all your prayers. As my mom alluded to, my experience before surgery was horrible, but once it was done, everything went very well. I had a wonderful nurse who took very good care of me throughout the night and gave me a little book by Dodie Osteen titled Healed of Cancer. God definitely had me in good hands. I'm going to get some rest now and hopefully get a chance to write more about my experience tomorrow.

Jeremiah 30:17
For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds.

Scared

I finished my radiation on my spine today....yeah!!!! It's actually kinda bitter sweet. I am so happy that I won't be treking back and forth daily for my treatment..and I'm sure my dad, and especially my mom, are happy they don't have to drive me anymore. But my radiation therapists were so nice and fun that I'll miss not seeing them. They really did make the experience so much better than it probably could have been and I am so grateful for that.

Like I said yesterday, I'm scheduled for surgery on Friday. I don't think I ever wrote much about my surgery and time in the hospital when they did the craniotomy. It was very traumatic for me. At one point I seriously thought they were going to send me to the psychiatric ward. Being in ICU with so many people coming in and out of the room just injecting me with stuff for pain and whatever else made me so incredibly scared. And then when they moved me to a regular room, I couldn't get up and do anything, even go to the bathroom, without balling my eyes out. Any kind of change caused me so much anxiety I would just burst into tears. I've NEVER been like that, and it was the scariest thing for me. (okay, I lie. I've burst into tears on several occasions for no good reason...just ask my husband...I'm an emotional girl...but this was totally different) Which is why when the doctors started talking about opening my head again, I immediatly thought, NO WAY. But now, it's really inevitable.

My symptoms have been getting worse. It's ridiculous how fast this cancer grows. I have even more in my spine now. I'm just in disbelief. I should have had my surgery last week, but we were still considering our options and I just wasn't comfortable with it. I couldn't shake off my prior experience. This surgery is supposed to be much easier and less invasive. But that doesn't mean I'm not still just as nervous about the entire process. So please pray that my anxiety doesn't surface again and that all goes well. Surgery starts at 7AM Friday morning...I go in at 5AM. It should last a couple hours and then I'll be in the hospital at least one more day...possibly two. Then chemo should start on Monday. I don't know what to expect with that yet, but I should find out when I visit another oncologist tomorrow. I also have a brain MRI tomorrow as well.

I'm sad that I won't get to take the kids Trick or Treating....or at least be at the door to hand out candy. But they'll still get to go. We have enough people around to get them out there to collect all their goodies. But I was thinking that it's also too bad I'm not going to be home halloween night for trick or treaters for another reason. With my scar in the back of my head, my new scar I'll have in the front, my bald head...man, I'd have a killer costume!

Psalm 69:32 The humble will seek their God at work and be glad. Let all who seek God's help be encouraged.

A date

Surgery scheduled for Friday to put in the Ommya Resevoir to allow for chemo to drip directly onto my brain. More info when I'm more rested.

Two weeks since surgery

This week I met with Dr. Vic, my radiation oncologist. Can I just say that he is so smart! Actually, I just have to take a moment to be in complete awe of doctors...period. It's hard to even express how incredibly smart doctors are. Before my surgery I had some procedure where a doctor was looking at all my blood vessels, and maybe it was the Valium, but I just kept thinking WOW, these people are just so amazing. Meeting my husband as he began medical school gave me the opportunity to see just how much work, how much studying, how much passion goes into being a doctor. And of course all doctors aren't perfect, and everyone has had different experiences, but I will forever be in complete debt to doctors and have nothing but honor for them.

So much has happened this week, so this post might be rather long.

As I mentioned, my husband and I met with my radiation oncologist early this week. Besides being amazingly smart, Dr. Vic is also incredibly kind and explains things so well to me (but as usual, don't expect me to reiterate information with any kind of medical accuracy or flair!). He was so apologetic about the cancer being found in my brain. I was joking with him to lighten the mood, "Doctor Vic, this wasn't supposed to happen. I'm supposed to be all done with this stuff." (The Zoloft I'm taking actually is working quite well). There's no need to be all sad about it. Let's just figure out what to do about it. Apparently it's really good that I am so ignorant to all the medical stuff that's happening. It's my poor husband who for his own sanity could probably use a little less knowledge merely so he wouldn't worry so much.

The basic treatment they're going to do is whole brain radiation. Just like when I had radiation for breast cancer, I will go everyday for about 5 1/2 weeks, minus the weekends. The actual procedure doesn't last long...I think I get zapped for 10 to 15 minutes at the most, and it's completely painless. The side effects vary. I can certainly have brain damage...which I already have from the surgery, (still dealing with a lot of time and number issues) but the doctor doesn't anticipate anything major. When I get radiated, they put this hard plastic mesh mold snugly over my face and secure me to the table so that I can't move. It's quite creepy looking...and I'll have to post a picture at some point. I can get fatigued, which I experienced a little bit of when having radiation for breast cancer, but with brain radiation, I don't know how the fatigue will compare. I also will have some irritation of the head. And then here's the doozy...what I didn't want to hear, but what I knew was coming...I'm going to lose my hair. Oh well. I'm alive. So in search of some very sassy hats and scarves again. Because I'm just going to be vain with my new little motto 2cute4cancer!

As I posted yesterday, the MRI I had yesterday was a bit hellish. They wanted to look at my spine and my brain again. The doctors keep ordering these tests telling me that they don't intend on seeing anything. But don't ya know, a spot turns up on my spine. Now having a metastasis to the spine is really bad. It would involve more chemo and radiation I'm sure, and I'm not sure what the cure rate is for something like that. So my husband was really upset today about them finding something on the scan. But he was able to have a bunch of doctors read the scans and they are pretty confident that it is NOT cancer. They think that the spot they saw was a hemangioma. That's a blood tumor that is benign, and something I should not have to worry about. My doctor might order a bone scan, but probably not. They will continue to monitor the blood tumor, but for now, it is fine. Praise God for that.

Today I got to meet again the doctor who took out my tumor, Dr. Jerone Kennedy. So what in the world is the protocol for this? Send a Hallmark Card note, "Um, thanks for saving my life. Hope I can return the favor!" Seriously, how in the world can I express my gratitude? I am actually looking for ideas. Also, I still need to do/send something to the floor that took care of me while in the hospital as well. But I just don't want to send some thank you flowers or something...would like to send something more useful and meaningful if I can. I talked with Dr. Kennedy about some of the issues I've been having lately, mostly my very painful headaches. And basically, everything just needs to settle in and work itself out. I have a couple appointments with different doctors, including a neurologist, to deal with some of these issues. Glad I have some experts to refer to now.

Some people have asked me why I'm still having all these tests? Honestly, I am so ignorant to them. These past two weeks I have walked into offices and just basically have been at everyones mercy. I have so many different scans, I can't keep them all straight. I just go in, do what they tell me to do, and let my husband sort out all the details for me. I know it's bad. I really need to be on top of my own care. I really need to be more proactive about understanding things. But for right now, I can barely figure out what time I need to leave the house so that my son gets to his football game on time. Maybe I can have my husband be a guest medical blogger and explain the difference between and MRI and a PET scan and why some tests pick up cancer and others do not...maybe he'll do it for me.

I've also had some people ask me about how this will affect my reconstruction. My what? That's what I think to myself. My reconstruction is so far from my mind right now I can't even think about it. But I actually have to...at least the preventative mastectomy part of it. That still needs to be done, and I feel now more than ever. So I'll make the appointments for everything in February probably. Now whether or not I'll be able to follow through with all the procedures we'll just have to see.

Continued thank you for EVERYTHING!

Thankful

Tonight I decided that despite all this anxiety, uneasiness, dizziness, fogginess and confusion floating through my head, I just really need to take a moment and be so incredibly grateful to just be alive right now! I mean a little over a week ago my brain was exposed. Any kind of complication could have occurred, leaving me lifeless. But through medicine and the healing powers of Jesus, I am here today. And I really need to relish in that fact.

I made it to church today, and it just felt good to sit there and let the music just wash over me. I must admit, I have no clue what our assistant pastor was talking about half the time today, but I just felt God's presence and needed that sense of peace for the small amount of time that I was there.

After this holiday weekend, I'm getting myself on the phone to whichever doctor I'm supposed to be linked with now and we're going to figure out what's going on inside this head of mine. Surely this isn't some permanent condition, and we're going to figure it out...we are. Because I need me back.

Overwelmed

I continue to experience very difficult anxiety. I can't even write about it tonight and just want to ask for some prayers.

Getting through another day

Well, I survived another day...excuse the pun!!!!!

Here's the problem right now. I wake up feeling fine and normal. Get me my cup of coffee and all is good. But then I have all these drugs I have to start taking, to keep swelling down, and to prevent more seizures, and those drugs are just messing with my head. I exist through my entire day in a daze...and I hate it! I go through the motions of doing everything, but I don't actually "feel" anything. Which is just a wierd state to be in. Kinda funny too. As I'm at Target with my kids, them eating lunch there, it completly doesn't bother me that they might be acting all loud and crazy.

I do feel bad that I seem to be avoiding people around the neighborhood. But right now, I just can't be social. I'm still feeling some anxiety, but it is disappating, so that's good. I do so continue to appreciate the dinners and treats everyone has been dropping by for me! So kind! I I jut need to get off these meds and get back to normal.

Now in my hazy state today, I brought Max in to meet his preschool teacher this year. They changed a bunch of stuff around on me already with teachers and the program I thought I was putting him in, so already I'm on edge about him starting the year. I'm giving it a month.

Cameron got to meet his teacher today and he found out some of the kids in his class. This will be the deciding year as to whether we keep him in public school or find something to push him further along.

Oh, and have I mentioned that I havent' washed my hair in a week! I can't until the staples come out....Friday! I'm sporting a pretty nasty, smelly due!!!!!!!!

A few owies!

This WILL gross you out!

Surprisingly I'm only on Tylenol right now. I had to have some big doses of Percaset last night. But I'm feeling better today physically. Mentally and emotionally I'm still all over the place. But we're working it out. Please excuse my disjointed posts as I try to find my voice in all this.

The night before

Today was a LONG, but good test day. The amazing doctors did an angiogram this morning and discovered that there are not a lot of big blood vessels I have to worry about around the tumor. That's great. So they didn't have to embulize my brain...clogging it up with a bunch of dust to stop any potentional bleeding. My head is supposedly clear...ha ha. And I got to come home and spend tonight with my family.




Because they had to puncture an artery to do the test, I had to lie flat for 4 hours to allow the wound to heal. I even had to pee in a bed pan. I felt like Ella on the little girls' potty...except I feared I was going to overflow into my bed!


Later I had to have a few small areas of my head shaved for some cheerio looking fixtures to be glued to my noggin. Alien like, but whatever. It's important for guiding the surgeon tomorrow. Hey, if they need to shave my whole body...so be it. Do WHATEVER you gotta do!


I also had a final MRI today. More noise. More needles. More of the usual.


Tomrrow I have to be at United Hospital in St. Paul very early. I'm not sure exactly when the surgery will begin...but it will last several hours. Some have asked, so I'm just letting you know that I'll be fine for visitors in a day or so. Not sure how coherent I'll be, but I'd love to see some of my dear friends faces.


Besides the usual prayers for the doctors and healing and such, my biggest prayers are for my husband and children...especially my husband. He's been my rock. He will continue to be my rock. He is my everything, and has been nothing but amazing through this entire experience.




I won't get anymore sentimental. No need to. The Lord is there for me, and I can feel his healing powers and everyone's amazing prayers.


With love. And now for one last glass of wine before my brain tune up!

Romans 5:2-5: “And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us

Trying to get in some fun for the kids

Today, despite only having a few hours of sleep and waking up with a horrible headache, I refused to let this cancer ruin my free "no medical tests" day. Today I was taking the kids to the zoo, and I didn't care what pain I was in, or what drug side effects I was going to be dealing with, we were getting to that zoo, and we were going to have fun!

And we did.

Thanks to the help of my parents, cooperative weather, and the Lord giving me the strength, it was a lot of fun seeing the kids become so thrilled about the same animals they've seen about a million times already. The excitement of my 2 1/2 year old is nothing but priceless.

I spent the rest of the evening just sitting out in the backyard, sipping a margarita, making some phone calls and just enjoying watching the kiddos play.

Tomorrow is an early day, and depending on these medical tests that deal with the blood vessels around my tumor or something like that, I might be admitted to the hospital on Thursday before my surgery Friday morning. I'll also have to have another headbanging MRI tomorrow.

I'm a little on edge. Not really worried about the surgery or anything

yet. Just not looking forward to the whole process of it all. I'm whining right now because I can't eat past midnight, I have to get up early to be at the hospital, and I'm sure I'll be stuck a million more times with needles. What silly things to be annoyed with right now!

I'm also thinking about next week and all that needs to be put in place as my kids venture back to school the first week in September. I know Melvin and my mom can handle it...but school...well, that's sorta my thing. So it's hard for me to just let it go.

As a last note, several of you have wondered if I'd have access to my blog during all this. I don't know. I gave my mom instructions on how to update, so hopefully she can give you some info...or else just check in the comments section and maybe she'll have included something.

As usual, I thank you for all your prayers and thoughts of healing. We continue to be surrounded by such love from everyone. And I truly feel at peace that all will be well. I feel the Lord doing amazing things amongst my family...moving so many people closer to Him...and that is what this life is all about.

Details can be too much

The brain mapping was done this morning. It's sorta scary to think about the fact that they can map out my brain by simply having me tap my fingers over and over again, point out when I recognize a word and just stare at a red dot while black and white squares move up and down a screen. That's what they did for about an hour today. That's how they'll know where to cut and not cut when removing the tumor. Scary.

In the afternoon I had cranial teaching and prep. Basically they took a few vials of blood and had me answer a bunch of medical questions that I've answered a million times already. Then this wonderful nurse went over everything they were going to do from presurgery to post-op. They're actually going to drill holes in my head, lift up part of my skull, and get at the tumor. I can't even grasp my mind around this. The nurse kept asking if I had any questions, but in actuality, I just don't. The only thing I can think of is...do what you gotta do. Get it out. I'll be here. Just do whatever. I feel quite distanced from the whole ordeal right now. It's the only way I can deal with it. It's just not something I want to think about really.

The actual surgery could last six hours. My brain could be exposed for six hours! See why I can't even think about this! Whenever I try to even begin to write about it, I go blank, and I don't want to write about anything else anymore.

I think I'll use the Olympics to distract me right now.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not to thine own under standing. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Happening this week.

So this is what I THINK is going on this this week.

This morning I had a 3x magnification MRI. It was very loud, and painful because I had to lie on the back of my head for over an hour. But it's done with.

This afternoon I have a preop physical. Easy.

Tomorrow morning I have some major brain mapping going on, so they make sure they don't cut the wrong stuff when in my head.

Tomorrow afternoon, my parents, husband and I will be gathered for cranial prep and teaching. Should last about 2 hours. Not sure exactly what it is, but it's happening. I think it's kinda funny that they're going to try to teach me anything while I'm drugged out on Percaset!

Wednesday should be a free day.

Thursday in the morning they'll do an angiogram, and if I need to be embolized (mind you, at this moment, I have no idea what any of this stuff is), then I'll need to be admited to the hospital.

Friday surgery is scheduled for 7:30 AM...to remove the tumor.

I'm just kinda numb to all this right now.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

Just the facts.

Disclaimer: Please allow me to preface this with a reminder...except for being married to a doctor, I have NO medical background. So my information will be vague, probably quite elementary sounding, and hopefully at least somewhat correct!

Praise the Lord my husband is doctor. Which sometimes can be a pain...when they know too much...but mostly it's such an incredible blessing. Without his level-headeness, knowledge, patience and calmness, I would never be able to decipher all the information being thrown at me.
My husband and I went see Dr. Jerone Kennedy today, a well-recommended neurosurgeon. Looking at all my scans, he said the tumor is too big to remain and it will need to be removed. Fortunately, it looks like they can resect it (resect is my new medical word of the day) because of its location, and because it appears to just be a solid mass.

Until they actually take it out, they won't know what it is. Very best case scenerio, the miracle one, when I have all my tests done next week, the tumor will have miraculously disappeared. Next best case scenario, it's just some benign tumor that will just be removed and all will be well. Most medically likely, it's breast cancer mestasticised to the brain. Or it could be a completely separate tumor, which could actually be worst, depending on what it is. So those are the scenarios we're looking at here.

The surgeon doesn't feel that getting the tumor out will be a problem. They'll actually be doing all these crazy tests next week where they'll map out different parts of my brain so that they make sure they don't cut out the important fuctions of my mind. I could possibly have some vision and math function issues as a reult of the surgery.

The earliest the surgery could be is next Friday, but most likely the following week. I'll be in ICU for a couple days and then in the hospital for a week.

Those are just the facts. Obviously, there's so much more going on...even a lot that I'm finding quite amusing, but I just need to TRY and get some rest, and not be long winded here.

As usual, thanks so much for all the well wishes and prayers. They're so needed. I'll be posting some of the verses people have been sending me. They're such a comfort.

I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You along, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.Psalm 4:8

Slash update -- not from Guns N Roses.

Slash! Poison! Burn! – My doctor’s description of how we’re going to get rid of this cancer.

It has been a week since “the slash” (my surgery). And for the most part, my spirits have been up and physically I’ve been fine.

Yesterday I met with my surgeon again. He finally took out this drainage tube, which was VERY annoying. (It’s hard to wash your hair when you have to hold the drainage bulb in one hand while trying to scrub your hair with the other). It was inconvenient (bulging out of my clothes) and uncomfortable. So I was happy to be rid of it. Apparently, my husband informed me, when I have my reconstruction, I will have a few drainage tubes on each side, and for longer. But no need to worry about that now.

I was hoping with the tube gone to get some exercise in today…at least a long walk, as the doctor said I should be okay to run by next week. But for some reason, I’m in more pain today. Maybe from lifting the kids the past couple days??? I’m not sure, but it seems harder to raise my arm today, and I’m just experiencing more discomfort than I have since I returned from the hospital. I haven’t really had to take any pain killers since earlier this week, but today, I think I’ll pop a Vicodin at nap time, and see how that works, because the ibuprofen I took this morning did nothing (and yes, I did have my coffee).

Back to the slash….The initial shock of the scar wasn’t too earth shattering. I had seen pictures, so I knew how deformed I was going to be. When I showed Melvin, he was all “It’s beautiful,” as he analyzed the sutures up close. What a surgical nerd! But I guess his response was better than when Cameron walked into the bathroom one day when I was getting ready and wrinkled up his nose, saying, “Ew gross!” Max was already so spooked by the whole hospital experience that I wasn’t about to emotionally scar him anymore by showing him what we call “my oweee.” (Though I have to admit, one time when he was crying for me to pick him up…for no good reason…and he wouldn’t stop, I flashed my drainage tube to remind him of why I couldn’t. He quickly backed away from me and didn’t ask me to pick him up for a couple days. Cruel, but effective!).

Besides the scar from the surgery, and now pencil size hole I have under my arm from the drainage tube, I also have this porta cath, which might be the grossest thing of all. Ever see the movie The Mummy, where those little cockroach creatures get under the skin of the man and crawl up his body. That’s what this looks like. Of course, it doesn’t crawl, but a couple inches below my neck is a quarter size ball, that protrudes out, with a small tube, also outlined in my skin, that leads up to a pea size ball, which leads into my vein (or artery or something). In the correct light, you can see it all very clearly, just underneath my skin. It’s creepy actually. But Dr. Sanan said it will be my friend when it comes time to chemotherapy. This way, they’ll just stab the “giant cockroach” (as I’ll refer to it now), instead of always struggling to find a vein.

Speaking of chemo, I have a couple weeks of healing, and then on Oct. 2nd, I meet with an oncologist. She’ll mix up my little “recipe,” and then we’ll start the next phase (Poison!) of completely obliterating this cancer.

I'm back

I’m home. With one less boob, a few non-cancerous lymph nodes removed, a tube sticking out of me and a porta-cath imbedded in me. Oh yeah, and that damn 3.1 cm cancerous lump gone...the thing that started all this!

I had no internet access a the hospital, so the following is what I composed last night.

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I started out Friday morning at the Breast Center at United Hospital hungry and in desperate need of coffee. Instead of food and drink, I got an injection straight into my nipple. That was quite painful. But the doctor said she liked my painted toenails, so despite the pain she inflicted, I liked her.

After awhile, I was then sent to a pre-op room. There I had to put on this odd soft paperish gown that actually was hooked up to some vacuum looking hose. Except instead of sucking out air, it pumped in either cold or warm air, depending on how I set the remote. It was actually kind of fun, and quite comfortable. I had a wonderful pre-op nurse…Debra or Brenda…can’t quite remember her name. But she was very kind, explained everything very clearly and just had a soothing tone of concern in her voice. In this room I received an IV, not a fun experience, but not as bad as the nipple needle.

Then all the doctors came in. First the anesthesiologist. He seemed nice enough. Told me they’d give me something to relax me first, then something that would knock me out. I didn’t really have any questions…just wanted to make sure I was put to sleep….”and that we wake you up!” he added. Oh yes, I guess that would be nice as well.

They told me that the vascular surgeon who was to insert the portal cathter (for easy chemo administration), was across the street at the day surgery center but would be over soon. When he finally did come over, my confidence in his abilities wained a bit…as he seemed a little shaky, and as he was explaining what he was going to he’d add, “Or I’ll just see what they have in there for me and decide.” When he left the room, I asked my husband if maybe he was actually across the street at the local bar before he came over. Melvin laughed and said he’s actually one of the best doctors and that was just the way that he always is. After all, his name was Dr. Hope, so I guess I couldn’t be too worried, right?

Finally Dr. Sanan came in and just went through it all again quickly, of what they were going to do. Nothing new. I had no questions. Just wanted this all done and over with.

And then we waited, and as I was listening to Hold Me Jesus, I broke down a little in tears. Just scared of the pain, the surgery, the strangers, etc. But I quickly got myself together, and before I knew it, my mom and my husband were saying good bye, the relaxing medicine was inserted in my IV, and I was in the operating room, looking up at these two huge round lights…and then blank…I was knocked out.

I woke up briefly in the recovery room, to Dr. Sanan telling me that they removed 3 lymph nodes and they did not contain cancer. So that was great. Next thing I knew, I was being wheeled to my regular room, where the clock had read 5:30! I couldn’t believe how late it was already. At this point, things were not starting out so well.

First of all, it felt like someone was crushing my chest and arm…that was just the pain from the surgery. Not a sharp pain, but a VERY uncomfortable one. I asked for some meds, and it took quite some time for them to finally administer me anything.

The first nurse I had was not pleasant at all….which was not the experience I needed at that moment. Melvin started asking her some questions about the meds ordered. She looked at him and said, “Are you a nurse?” To which he responded that he was a surgeon. She told him that he looked too young to be a surgeon, but did he do surgery at this hospital. He said he does some here, but mostly at St. John’s. She then proceeded to tell him that she just had some surgery at St. Johns and she was not pleased at all with the care she received over there. Kinda what I was thinking about her at this point.

Thankfully, that nurse was sent home sick, apparently. I had a nurse shuffle for a while, until the regular night nurse, Karna, came in. She was young and kind, and I felt much better with her. Then at some point I had another nice one named Michelle, Then in the morning I had Joanna, who constantly was checking on me and making sure I didn’t need anything. They were great.

Throughout the night, I was given different meds. The Dilauded was awesome. They injected it directly into my IV. Although I’m not sure if it took away the pain, or if I just didn’t feel any pain for a while because it immediately knocked me out. The downside was that every time I got up to use the bathroom or something I would become very nauseas and dizzy. But since fluids were constantly being pumped into me, I had to continually have bathroom breaks. I was literally awake all through the night…at least 4 times an hour I’d wake up…and then drift back….and wake up…and drift back. All the while having to assess my pain on some arbitrary scale of 1 – 10 to the nurses. I felt like some drug addict asking for more pain meds, but they gave them willingly, so I figured it was necessary.

Besides the pain and bathroom breaks that kept me up all night, my IV kept making a noise all night long. It was like those old laser jet printers, just printing one line across a piece of paper….every 17 seconds! It was ridiculous, but my husband said you couldn’t do anything about it.

By morning time, I was feeling only a little better with the pain. Overall, I just felt horrible. They brought my breakfast (I hadn’t had a thing to eat the entire day or night before), but I just couldn’t eat anything. I still felt dizzy and nauseous, and all I wanted to do was sleep.

My mom, husband and the kids came to visit me. That perked me up for a bit. Although, when Max walked in the room, he just had a look of fear on his face, and acted like he was afraid of me. The kids were there long enough for the nurses to oooh and aaah over them, but then the crying and screaming started, and they just had to go. When they left, my head was hurting, and a constant headache took over as the pain leader. My whole head felt like it was going to explode. Having lunch and drinking water didn’t help. I was given Vicatin, but that didn’t help. Motrin didn’t help either. Neither did the ice pack that the nurse gave me.

But then my husband showed up with the “wonder drug.” No, not a glass of wine! But a cup of coffee…caramel latte to be exact. And don’t you know I was enduring hours of a painful headache that was easily and quickly soothed with a cup of coffee. Oh man, I’m addicted. Once I had that coffee, everything felt better. No headache, no dizziness, no nausea. I even felt good enough to go home, but it was too late for that, and remembering how my kids left the hospital, I was glad to be lying in peace and quiet.

So hopefully, I’ll sleep better tonight, and after the doctor takes off this dressing and such, I’ll be ready to return home. After all, apparently when Max was saying prayers at dinner tonight, he asked God for me to come home tomorrow. I wouldn’t want to disappoint that little cutie pie.

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And now I’m home. Not in much pain, just some discomfort. Able to walk around and such. Kinda bored, but not really wanting to do anything! After eating some lunch and admiring all the cards, flowers and cookies, I think I’ll take a bit of a break.

Thanks again everyone for all your prayers and well wishes!

Almost time.

Tomorrow's the big day.

I go in for some more radioactive injections at 9:30,.they're going to run some wand over me to see where I beep a lot, so they know where to take out some lymph nodes (or something like that).

I hit the chopping block around noonish.

The pre-op people called today to get all of my medical history and give instructions on tomorrow.

No alcohol tonight the lady told me.

So I'm wondering, what time is night?

50/50 chance

I’ve been starting to get a little nervous about the surgery on Friday. The needles, the procedure, the pain, etc.

And then in the mail I get a pre-op form to fill out. Included with this was a pamphlet from United Hospital called Patient Guide for Surgery. It states:

Surgery Date: 9/7/07

Surgeon: Dr. Sanan

Arrival Time: 10:00 AM at Breast Center

Procedure: Right sentinel node biopsy, Right mastectomy

Procedure Time: 12:30 PM

Ummm…………my cancer is in my LEFT breast.

This mailing definitely didn’t help my nerves. Do I actually need to mark with a Sharpie where my cancer is located?