Details can be too much

The brain mapping was done this morning. It's sorta scary to think about the fact that they can map out my brain by simply having me tap my fingers over and over again, point out when I recognize a word and just stare at a red dot while black and white squares move up and down a screen. That's what they did for about an hour today. That's how they'll know where to cut and not cut when removing the tumor. Scary.

In the afternoon I had cranial teaching and prep. Basically they took a few vials of blood and had me answer a bunch of medical questions that I've answered a million times already. Then this wonderful nurse went over everything they were going to do from presurgery to post-op. They're actually going to drill holes in my head, lift up part of my skull, and get at the tumor. I can't even grasp my mind around this. The nurse kept asking if I had any questions, but in actuality, I just don't. The only thing I can think of is...do what you gotta do. Get it out. I'll be here. Just do whatever. I feel quite distanced from the whole ordeal right now. It's the only way I can deal with it. It's just not something I want to think about really.

The actual surgery could last six hours. My brain could be exposed for six hours! See why I can't even think about this! Whenever I try to even begin to write about it, I go blank, and I don't want to write about anything else anymore.

I think I'll use the Olympics to distract me right now.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not to thine own under standing. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Maybe they just lost my brain

Tomorrow they are mapping out my brain.

Does that not sound funny or what?

I mean really. It's supposed to be some test that takes a few hours, but I don't think it should take that long. I can't help but giggle that there's not much to map out. I mean come on...do you know how often I forget things, can't pinpoint things or just plain blank out on information? It's comical really...and this was BEFORE I was diagnosed with any kind of tumor.

I told my dad the test won't take long. He told me otherwise. He said you'd be surprised what they might find in my brain. Possibly we're thinking there's no tumors there after all. Maybe, just maybe, there's a bunch of little brains smashed up in my head causing all this ruckus!

Can't wait to see these results!

Happening this week.

So this is what I THINK is going on this this week.

This morning I had a 3x magnification MRI. It was very loud, and painful because I had to lie on the back of my head for over an hour. But it's done with.

This afternoon I have a preop physical. Easy.

Tomorrow morning I have some major brain mapping going on, so they make sure they don't cut the wrong stuff when in my head.

Tomorrow afternoon, my parents, husband and I will be gathered for cranial prep and teaching. Should last about 2 hours. Not sure exactly what it is, but it's happening. I think it's kinda funny that they're going to try to teach me anything while I'm drugged out on Percaset!

Wednesday should be a free day.

Thursday in the morning they'll do an angiogram, and if I need to be embolized (mind you, at this moment, I have no idea what any of this stuff is), then I'll need to be admited to the hospital.

Friday surgery is scheduled for 7:30 AM...to remove the tumor.

I'm just kinda numb to all this right now.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

Just a brief list

I want to document my experience better.

I want to write all about the wonderful people at church and at a local restaurant (Khoury's) who embraced me with their love and prayers today.

I want to tell everyone how grateful I am that my parents are here to support me.

I want to tell everyone how Cameron reacted, sad because he doesn't want me to have cancer again.

I want to thank all my friends and neighbors for just everything.

I want to write about my frustration about getting numbers all mixed up, and my inability to recognize my "normal" confusion with my tumor confusion.

I want to write all about how incredibly grateful I am to my husband for all the phone calls he's making and appointments he's setting up and just his patience with me.

But my head hurts...bad. Sometimes it's better than other times, but mostly it just feels like someone took a baseball bat and smashed me in the back of my head.....not that anyone has ever done that...but it's how I imagine it must feel.

I want to continue to be honest.

So I'll keep writing...but it might be limited.


Deuteronomy 31
31:8 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

Wanna see it?

In case you like to see things, here's a poor scan of my tumor. It's the white circle-type thing you see on the right hand side. One is a view from the top of my head, one is a view from the back. I guess it's about 3 centimeters. And the swelling around it is what's causing all the pain.

Which pill do I want today?

I hate taking drugs. Well, unless you're about to have a baby, then I say BRING THEM ON! But other than that, I usually try to do without taking extra pain killers, cold medicines or other medical and natural remedies.

But today I have taken the following:

Zoloft...for obvious reasons.

Decadron...this is the steroid that is supposed to be reducing the swelling around my tumor, which is causing all the pain. It doesn't seem to be working very well. It keeps me up and wired, but the pain is still there.

Tylenol...right now I'm taking some extra strength stuff, but it's not working. I might be switching to some Vicodin or something stronger tonight, but I really don't want to be all drugged out.

Keppra...this is anti-seizure medicine. There is concern that until the tumor is out and all has settled back in, I could have convulsions or something. This is actually the same medicine that was prescribed to Cameron last year when he had that lone seizure. I'm so glad we decided to take him off the meds, because this Keppra is some strong stuff. On the good side, it seems to have counteracted the jitteriness of the steroids, but on the flip side, it makes me lightheaded and a bit dizzy. No driving for me obviously.

At least I can seem to relax abit now with the Keppra added. I so just want to be fine for my kids. Right now I have shuffled them off to a friends' house for a few hours, but really, I don't want to keep doing that. Melvin and I still need to talk about what we're going to tell the kids, as they have no clue yet what's going on. We have quite a few appointments next week as well, doing testing for surgery, and also looking at other options down at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, just to get a 2nd opinion and to cover all our bases.

But I feel the Lord getting things in place for us, and I know he will not abandon us.

"Nay in all things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us." Rom 8:37

Just the facts.

Disclaimer: Please allow me to preface this with a reminder...except for being married to a doctor, I have NO medical background. So my information will be vague, probably quite elementary sounding, and hopefully at least somewhat correct!

Praise the Lord my husband is doctor. Which sometimes can be a pain...when they know too much...but mostly it's such an incredible blessing. Without his level-headeness, knowledge, patience and calmness, I would never be able to decipher all the information being thrown at me.
My husband and I went see Dr. Jerone Kennedy today, a well-recommended neurosurgeon. Looking at all my scans, he said the tumor is too big to remain and it will need to be removed. Fortunately, it looks like they can resect it (resect is my new medical word of the day) because of its location, and because it appears to just be a solid mass.

Until they actually take it out, they won't know what it is. Very best case scenerio, the miracle one, when I have all my tests done next week, the tumor will have miraculously disappeared. Next best case scenario, it's just some benign tumor that will just be removed and all will be well. Most medically likely, it's breast cancer mestasticised to the brain. Or it could be a completely separate tumor, which could actually be worst, depending on what it is. So those are the scenarios we're looking at here.

The surgeon doesn't feel that getting the tumor out will be a problem. They'll actually be doing all these crazy tests next week where they'll map out different parts of my brain so that they make sure they don't cut out the important fuctions of my mind. I could possibly have some vision and math function issues as a reult of the surgery.

The earliest the surgery could be is next Friday, but most likely the following week. I'll be in ICU for a couple days and then in the hospital for a week.

Those are just the facts. Obviously, there's so much more going on...even a lot that I'm finding quite amusing, but I just need to TRY and get some rest, and not be long winded here.

As usual, thanks so much for all the well wishes and prayers. They're so needed. I'll be posting some of the verses people have been sending me. They're such a comfort.

I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You along, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.Psalm 4:8