Scared
I finished my radiation on my spine today....yeah!!!! It's actually kinda bitter sweet. I am so happy that I won't be treking back and forth daily for my treatment..and I'm sure my dad, and especially my mom, are happy they don't have to drive me anymore. But my radiation therapists were so nice and fun that I'll miss not seeing them. They really did make the experience so much better than it probably could have been and I am so grateful for that.
Like I said yesterday, I'm scheduled for surgery on Friday. I don't think I ever wrote much about my surgery and time in the hospital when they did the craniotomy. It was very traumatic for me. At one point I seriously thought they were going to send me to the psychiatric ward. Being in ICU with so many people coming in and out of the room just injecting me with stuff for pain and whatever else made me so incredibly scared. And then when they moved me to a regular room, I couldn't get up and do anything, even go to the bathroom, without balling my eyes out. Any kind of change caused me so much anxiety I would just burst into tears. I've NEVER been like that, and it was the scariest thing for me. (okay, I lie. I've burst into tears on several occasions for no good reason...just ask my husband...I'm an emotional girl...but this was totally different) Which is why when the doctors started talking about opening my head again, I immediatly thought, NO WAY. But now, it's really inevitable.
My symptoms have been getting worse. It's ridiculous how fast this cancer grows. I have even more in my spine now. I'm just in disbelief. I should have had my surgery last week, but we were still considering our options and I just wasn't comfortable with it. I couldn't shake off my prior experience. This surgery is supposed to be much easier and less invasive. But that doesn't mean I'm not still just as nervous about the entire process. So please pray that my anxiety doesn't surface again and that all goes well. Surgery starts at 7AM Friday morning...I go in at 5AM. It should last a couple hours and then I'll be in the hospital at least one more day...possibly two. Then chemo should start on Monday. I don't know what to expect with that yet, but I should find out when I visit another oncologist tomorrow. I also have a brain MRI tomorrow as well.
I'm sad that I won't get to take the kids Trick or Treating....or at least be at the door to hand out candy. But they'll still get to go. We have enough people around to get them out there to collect all their goodies. But I was thinking that it's also too bad I'm not going to be home halloween night for trick or treaters for another reason. With my scar in the back of my head, my new scar I'll have in the front, my bald head...man, I'd have a killer costume!
Psalm 69:32 The humble will seek their God at work and be glad. Let all who seek God's help be encouraged.
posted by Undomestic @ 12:28 PM
8 Comments:
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7
"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."
Phillipians 4:7-9 The Message
We love you :~D
i will be thinking of you, of course.
Cari,
Maybe the docs can give you something ahead of time for the anxiety, given the reaction last time. I certainly hope this procedure is easier on you.
What a bummer about Halloween. I love your humor about the incisions, but certainly feel your disappointment at missing trick or treat. With all the prayers being said for you, just think about how grateful you will be to enjoy the festivities next year.
I'll be thinking of you, and praying for you often tomorrow and over the weekend.
I hope you were able to enjoy today, it is beautiful out, and that you haven't been too anxious.
You are surrounded by so much love, Cari...hold on tight to it during the scarey times...know there are countless people who are thinking of and praying for you...
-Kris Gendreau
Cari, I am praying for you and will be up in the morning to pray for you as you go to the hospital. I will pray for peace and calming of the anxiety and for healing. I love you!
I am so sorry that you have to go through this! Lots of prayers are on their way to you to help you through. Stay strong. God bless you Cari.
With all you've been through, I think having anxiety is a normal response. I hope that things are going better with this current surgery. More virtual hugs for you.
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