Hitting the books again...sorta.

Despite the fact that :

A. I was certified and taught middle school in Massachussets for 2 years AND

B. I passed all proper tests to be certified to teach middle and high school in New Jersey for the four years that I taught there, AND

C. I taught 6th - 9th grade at a charter school in Minnesota for 2 years AND

D. I now have my Masters Degree in English Curriculum and Instruction,

according to the state of Minnesota, I'm not actually qualifed to teach all the grades in middle school.

Apparently, I have one class, The American Middle School, that I must pass to earn my middle school certification in "Communication Arts." It's offered this fall, and is taught by a middle school principal in the area.

With nothing else pending at the moment, I decided to go ahead and register. So yes, I'm a student...again!

I'm kinda particular about numbers.

Here's a question for all you cancer survivors out there.

When someone says that they're a 4 year survivor, a 10 year survivor, a 20 year survivor, etc, when exactly are they counting from?

Do they start their survivor time after they've had their surgery to remove the tumor? When they finished all their treatment? When they received their first "all clear" from the oncologist?

I know it doesn't really matter. But I've often thought about when I'll be considered a "one year" survivor?

Just wondering.

----------------

While on the topic of cancer, please continue to keep this family in your prayers. The battle they've had to fight seems to be never ending.

Day One...done.

Revision: So in addition to all Ella's pee episodes, last night BOTH boys wet their bed. It was quite the pissfest in my household.

They say boys are easier to potty train.

I beg to differ.

When Cameron and Max were two, they would independently climb up on the toilet and pee when I requested. By 2 1/2, I was done with diapers. Cameron was potty trained in a week. Max in about 2 weeks...except for a few pooping issues, which were worked out in a couple more weeks. With both of them, unless we were traveling somewhere, I basically went cold turkey. No pull-ups, just underwear.

Now Ella, she seems to be playing a completely different game...with her own set of rules.

First of all, she's never had any interest in the toilet like the boys. She doesn't want to wear underwear, she doesn't want to sit on the toilet, she doesn't want to entertain any kind of potty talk whatsoever. This morning, when I put cute little Dora undwear on her, she just kept taking them off and throwing them across the room. She also threw a pair in the trash, and apparently didn't like her pony panties, because those she tossed outside! She REALLY doesn't want to be potty trained.

But if I tell her not to pee in the pool, when she has the urge, she will climb out of the water, pee all over the ground, and get back in to go swimming. If I tell her not to pee in the bathtub, she will request a diaper when she knows she needs to use it. When she does pee in her diaper, she tells me that she's wet and needs a wipe and a new diaper. She has even taken off her diaper and handed me a new one.

Now if she can do all that, she can pee in the toilet. So today, we took off the diaper. And after a lot of crying and whining for a diaper, she peed...all over the family room carpet. And she peed again, on the foyer rug. And then she finally peed in the toilet a couple times for Sara when she made her sit there for a while. And in the evening, she peed again, on my family room carpet once, on the kitchen rug once, and on the bathroom floor. But she also peed once in the toilet, AND she pooped once in the toilet.

Needless to say, it wasn't one of my better days. I've done two loads of urine soaked laundry, have spent most of the evening trying to get Ella to pee in the toilet instead of on the floor, and have mopped up more puddles of pee than I care to count.

Well, it's a start. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully a better one.

No, this is not my daughter

I do believe my son is way overdue for a haircut, don'tcha think?

Not looking for a comeback

I had my quarterly appointment with my oncologist this week. Except for my white blood cell count, which for some reason is still low, all my tests came back good. No cancer markers showing.

I should be thankful, thrilled and excited. And thankful I am. But I can't seem to get excited because lately, I keep coming across some articles about cancer reoccurence. To be honest with you, I just assumed that people who had the breast cancer come back weren't aggressive enough in treating it the first time...like they had had a lumpectomy, or they didn't do radiation, etc. So I just assumed that if you do the deluxe treatment...the full mastectomy, chemo and radiation, then all the cancer would be killed, and there'd be no place for it to come back to.

Well, I'm dead wrong. It can come back to other parts of the body, with the triple negative kind of cancer that I have being more aggressive.

Here are a couple things I've read lately causing this concern:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/conditions/06/16/hm.triple.neg.breast.cancer/
http://info.detnews.com/redesign/blogs/healthblog/index.cfm

Now, I know that if it comes back, it comes back, and I'm not sure if there's much I can do to stop it. Also, worrying about it coming back will help nothing. But for some reason, I'm getting very anxious...and I'm usually not like this. I actually started thinking about all the different things I've wanted to do/places I've wanted to visit and began planning in my mind how I could start accomplishing them before it's too late.

I know, it's a horrible attitude to have. I really need to remember: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

Not meant to be

The library assistant job has been filled....by someone else.

Oh well. I tried.

Como Zoo

Yesterday we went to the zoo. I'm not particularly a fan of the Como Zoo, as I believe that for the most part, it's in complete disrepair, and there is very little space for the animals to live and roam. But I had visitors and was looking for something quick and fairly inexpensive to do with them. (I know that's not a good excuse for supporting a slightly run-down institution...but maybe my small voluntary donation will make things better for the animals there).

As we were walking up to the Gorilla area, Cameron just couldn't keep his mouth shut.

"Mom, they really should put some clothes on those gorillas. Because you can see their butts!"

I sorta giggled, hoping his comment would pass, but he continued. That child could not pass up an opportunity to use the word BUTT, and butt crack, as many times as he could. And for some odd reason, he just HAD to turn to me and start every sentence about the gorilla's butt with "Mom...(then something like...see his butt. Mom, really he needs some pants on to cover that butt. Mom, it's like he's naked with his butt showing!") I just shook my head and said, "Cameron, for once, just pretend that I'm not your mom today, okay?" But he persisted, so I finally had to be a little more stern with him (okay..I yelled at him to knock it off).

But not 5 seconds had passed and this young mom with a couple kids in tow walked right up next to us and yelled, "Hey look at the Gorilla's butt!...and she too, like my son, contined to comment on this poor primates exposed rear).

And Cameron heard her say this to her kids. Needless to say, he was just excited over the moon to tell me that this lady was ALSO talking about the gorilla's butt so he shouldn't be getting in trouble.

Thankfully the rest of the trip wasn't so vulgar (since he didn't actually see the zebra's penis hanging about 18 inches below his belly and then quickly rescinding into his body somewhere....obviously I did see this rather unsual event).

My young sisters Brianna and Mykayla (actually they're my 1/2 sister's in law to be exact) did seem to enjoy their short time at the zoo. The butterfly tent was very exciting, and the tropics trail, with the bright blue frogs and the banana trees, was fun as well.

Furthermore, I managed to avoid all the rides there....which I decided was quite the accomplishment!

Interview Blues

You know why I like to write....because I can EDIT!

Which is why I don't really like speaking so much...especially when you're put on the spot and expected to come up with intelligent answers...like in an interview...because you can't go back and change anything.

All you can do is play over and over again in your mind all your dumb answers and what you should have said instead.

Obviously, the interview didn't go as well as I would have liked. It wasn't really bad, but I just felt that I fumbled over a lot of my answers and I just didn't feel prepared for such in depth questions for a library assistant. I've always come out of my teaching interviews feeling incredibly good and confident....once I've landed the interview, I've always gotten the job...but I didn't feel that sense of victory this time around.

Oh well, I'll find out Thursday, when the middle school director is supposed to call me.

Interview tomorrow

As most of you know, last year, after 3 years of taking off to stay home with my kiddos, I was all ready to return to work. I had a part time job, teaching middle school language arts at a nearby school district. After my very first day of district training, I received the phone call from my doctor that I had breast cancer. Needless to say, I didn't return to work that year.

I decided last year that in addition to getting through all my treatments, I'd take the next year off as well, since I'd still be having extensive reconstructive surgery that I'd need some recovery time for, as well as many doctor appointments. Plus, because of my diagnosis, I've had this nagging feeling in my mind that God didn't want me to have that job, so maybe returning to work isn't what I should be doing (but that is a post for another day).

However, no matter what my gut feeling has been, each week I look in the paper at the classifieds....partly out of habit, partly to see what's out there, and partly in hopes that the perfect job, one that will allow me time for my family as well as giving me the opportunity to actually use my degree, would be posted that given week. I haven't actively persued anything. I haven't searched the website/newspaper in the other Twin City that contains more jobs. I haven't looked at individual district's sites that posts more jobs than the newspapers reveal. I just quickly glance through the 2 to 3 columns of jobs to see if any pertain to me. None has.

Until 2 weeks ago.

That's when a job for a library assistant appeared before my eyes....at a very prestigious and expensive private school where I would love for my kids to attend. Now except for my love of adolescent literature and many research projects I've developed with my students, I don't have any "formal" library training. But this job listing didn't require a library science degree. Just someone who had some library experience and an interest in working with middle school and high school students.

Key to this job is that it's parttime. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...full days. But the rest of the week I'd have off.

The pay is crap, compared to what I'd get paid if I was teaching. However, I wouldn't have work to "take home" like a teaching job, and the job comes with benefits. Now I'm not sure what the benefits are, but I'm hoping, praying, that they involve something around tuition reduction if your child attends their school. Now that would be the ultimate benefit.

I had a very brief phone interview with the middle school director. It was kinda funny because one of his questions basically asked me why, with my advanced degree and all the teaching jobs out there that I'm qualified for, why would I just want to be a library assistant. I kinda laughed and told him that I'm looking for a job that allows me to tap into my interest in adolescent literature and to work with middle school and high school students, without the full time committment that a teaching job requires.

I'm actually kinda nervous about my interview. Because I have never interviewed for a library position before, I have no clue what they're going to ask me, and I don't have a prepared portfolio to use to help show my talents for the position. I'm afraid they're going to ask me about a bunch of books I'd suggest, and I'll just go blank under pressure. I don't have a huge amount of experience with high school book suggestions, especially for advanced high school students, so that worries me as well.

I guess instead of writing about my worries, I really should be preparing for this interview. And praying that God helps me through this ordeal and makes it clear the path that I should follow by way of a fulfilling job.

There may also be some childcare issues and surgery recovery issues that I'll have to figure out if I get the job. But I figure that I'll shoot for getting an offer first, and deal with the other issues later.

So right now, a toast of red wine...and then I think I better go figure out who exactly I'm interviewing with. Would be nice if I knew the guy's name when I go into the school office, don't ya think?

Would my nutritionist approve?

I'm thinking that if I ever want to get back to wearing a bikini again (ha ha), I don't think it's a good idea to eat an entire bag of potato chips.

BUT, if that's you're entire dinner and snack...well, that's okay, right?

Until next year.

Another week down the shore has come and gone.

We did all the usual things: hung out at the beach, took the kids on the rides, ran on the boardwalk, ate ice cream at the "train place," had dinner with the entire extended family, went crabbing, rented bikes and road them on the boardwalk, went fishing, had a night out with my husband, stole coffee from my parents' house next door, played arcade games, hung out with my friend Lanette and her son, built some sandcastles, played miniature golf, visited with my grandparents, and had lots of help with the kids from my parents, sister and niece.

We did all that, and yet still, I feel like the week just flew, and we didn't really do anything.

I think it's because this time I didn't really get to do any shopping. And come on, what's a vacation without bringing home a couple new outfits, a few pairs of shoes and cool pieces of jewelry?

Persistence Pays...but next year I'm opting out

When we go on our annual family vacation to the Jersey Shore, we ALWAYS take a day to go crabbing. It's tradition. But this year, it almost didn't happen.

My husband went to the run-down marina we always rent from yesterday, only to find out that the pontoon we needed to rent was broken down. However, they said it'd probably be fixed the next day.

So we came the next day, and as promised, the boat was fixed, sorta.

First of all, we waited for over 40 minutes for the marina guy to get some gas for the boat.

Then once we finally headed out, my husband went the opposite way that we usually go (against my suggestion to just stick with what we know). We landed near some pier (that happened to jet out from some nuclear looking plant!). While there, we were in a bunch of mud and muck, which wouldn't allow the engine to start back up. We had to call the marina, where the head guy came out and got us started back up.

So we headed back toward the marina, to go the direction I originally said we should go...where we knew the crabs were. When going by the marina, we decided to make a pitstop there to pick up a bushel to hold the crabs (kinda important). However, when we stopped, we couldn't start again. The marina guy had to actually get a new battery for the boat. Finally it started, and off we were again.

And out into the bay we went, until my husband decided to stop and throw down some traps...eventhough we pleaded with him to just take us right to the bridge, where we know the crabs hang out. We anchored briefly, and threw down some traps, but it was too deep, and no crabs were taking the bait. So we decided to pull up the anchor, and go to the bridge.

Except we couldn't get the anchor up. Both Melvin and I pulled and pulled and pulled, but the thing was stuck. At the same time, Melvin tried to start the engine, but it wouldn't spark. He turned the key and turned the key, but still no fire. And the anchor was still stuck. Thinking that maybe there was some sort of correllation, Melvin climbed down the back of the boat checking to see that anchor rope was not lodged around the engine/propeller. The poor guy got all wet, only to discover that everything was fine. We pulled and pulled at the anchor again, and finally, it became dislodged from all the mud and muck at the bottom of the bay. But the engine still wouldn't start.

So we had to call the marina again and wait for a rescue. In the meantime, it's hot, the kids are getting antsy and we're quickly running out of juiceboxes!

Finally the marina guys came to try to get us started. They tried, and tried, and tried. But still the motor wouldn't turn. Finally, Melvin tried once more, and for no apparent reason, the boat decided to start.

Now any normal kind of people would take that boat right back to the marina and just go buy some crabs. But not my husband! With his usual determination, he was bound and determined for us to catch our own crabs. So slowly, very slowly since the engine wouldn't allow us to go at some normal speed, we made our way to our bridge. And.......

JACKPOT!

Sandy Suits

Just another rough day at the beach!!!!

Ocean City 2008

One word for today's post:

VACATION!

Scanning the want ads.

I have a job interview on the 22nd for a parttime position in a school.

Here we go again.

Didn't I do this last year?

My four year old!

Happy birthday to my adorable Max.

You have the most incredible eyes and amazing triple dimple.

You're such a great big brother to Ella and a wonderful friend for Cameron.

You have these funny quirks that just make me shake my head in disbelief.

You're hilarious with all the funny voices you like to use.

You love to pick me flowers...and then carefully arrange them and tape them together.

You're so confident in your manhood, you'll willingly play princesses with your best friend Abbie, wearing a pink dress and tiara.

You will bob around the pool for hours with a life-jacket on.

You love to do I-Spy books with Sara, and anyone else who has the patience to look for all those tiny, obscure items.

You're great at painting, glueing, coloring, etc.

You'll devour anything and everything with cheese...especially macaroni and cheese.

But best of all, you're just this amazing, loving, funny kid, and I can't wait to see what the years ahead have in store for us.

In God's Arms

A picture of Nathaniel.

PRECIOUS CHILD
Words and Music by Karen Taylor-Good
(you can listen to the song here)

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still

In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

No, I didn't get in a cat fight.

Although the hair growing on my face doesn't seem as bad as before, I decided to do one more full face wax. I think the steroids I had to take caused this growth. This was my third, and final, waxing.

I jokingly tell people when I go to my appointment that I'm going to get my face ripped off. Who knew that this time it would actually happen.

Praying for Nathaniel

Nathaniel John was born tonight. And he now is with our Lord in heaven. I was able to see his precious, perfect litttle face. What a gift.

Please pray for Andrea, her husband Mel, and their sons Jacob and Kyle. They are amazing people.

Growing Up...I guess

Max HATES doctors. If you even mention something about possibly having to see a physician sometime in the far distant future, he'll start balling his eyes out.

But for some reason, when I told him that he was going to the ear doctor....and assured him that he was not going to get a shot...he was fine with it.

For the first time ever, he entered the office and let the doctor do what he needed to do without me having to hold him down and constantly wipe away massive amounts of tears. My big boy sat right up in the doctor's chair and let the ENT look for "little bunnies" in his ears. No drips from his eyes...not even any whining.

It seems his right tube is about to fall out...which is what needs to happen. But the left tube is in there quite firmly. The doctors don't like for tubes to stay in more than 2 years. So we're going

to check again this summer. If the tubes haven't fallen out, they may need to be surgically removed.

I was quite proud of my little Max. But we'll see how he reacts when he has to have a physical later this summer, and he DOES have to get a shot. I think I might have to purchase some earplugs (for me and the entire office) to get through that appointment.

I wish I was an Oscar Meyer......

The other day, as I was unloading groceries and putting them away, Cameron was hanging out in the kitchen. I showed him that I bought him the hot dogs that he likes before tucking them away in the meat drawer in the fridge. But suddenly, he gasped, and asked me if he could see the package again.

When he read the covering of the hot dogs, he keeled over in a ridiculous fit of laughter.

"Wieners! That says wieners!"

The boy could not stop laughing. He was in complete hysterics. "That says wieners! They're calling their hot dogs wieners! Why would they do that!"

He has now been way too obsessed with this new found knowledge. First of all, like when he discovered the truth behind Santa, he feels it's his duty to educate everyone about this moniker.

Secondly, he finds it necessary to emphasize the word with extreme volume and high-pitched exaggeration every time he uses it.

And thirdly, he now must refer to the "wieners" any chance he gets.

Yesterday, my husband was grilling some of those Oscar Meyers that started all this.

Cameron's comment: "I'm glad that's not my wiener you're grilling!"

I wonder how long this fascination will last. Because now Max is getting in on all the fun. it's a bit embarrassing...especially when they start shouting about it in public.

No major explosions

Happy Belated 4th of July to everyone! I hope your day was as pleasant as mine. We had some good family time...going to a parade, playing at a park, grilling, roasting marshmallows, setting off our own fireworks and watching the city fireworks. The kids got along beautifully! Here are a few of my favorite pics from our own fireworks display in our backyard.

Pass on Macy's

Today I went swimsuit shopping. Now this has always been a DREADED chore each year as A. I'm never as thin as I want to be, and since having 3 kids, the incredibly adorable bikinis are out of the question, B. Because I have been so flat chested, finding one that has the illusion that I'm filling it out has always been an extreme challenge, and C. Cellulite on the butt and thighs is hard to cover up without some granny suit...and I am no granny! Now of course I have this mastectomy to deal with.

I've TRIED to find a suit that doesn't look like it should be on some 60 year old woman. But they just don't make cute ones for mastectomy patients. Lands End appears to have some decent ones specially made for mastectomy issues, but those looked better in the catalog than on me.

So today I just packed up my "swim forms" (otherwise known as fake boobs for swimming) in my backpack and headed to the local department store. I thought that just maybe I could find something that at least appeared decent on me and that had enough material on top to allow my swim forms to be covered up and look somewhat natural. After an hour and a half of wandering the swimwear area and entering the dreaded dressing room, I was able to make a few purchases that just may work out for the summer.

Unfortunately, only one of the three suits had a lining in the breast area that actually had a little slit in it, allowing me to awkwardly (but successfully), create boobs into the swimsuit. The other two did not, but I knew that Bloomingdales would create "pockets" for swimforms, for free, if you purchase the swimsuit (or other lingerie) at their store. But because of some time constraints that I was under, I couldn't make it to the only mall in the area that has a Bloomingdales, and had to settle for Macy's instead. I was right next to the lingerie department, so I figured that I'd ask if they offered the same service.

I should preface this by saying that I was already embarrassed to even ask about this. But I decided to just go for it, because if the answer was "yes," I'd have less awkward "beach issue" to deal with when going on vacation to the Jersey Shore this year. I simply told the lady in the lingerie department about the service the Bloomingdales offered, and did they happen to offer the same? Actually, my exact question was, "Do you offer the service of creating pockets in lingerie or swimwear for people who have had mastectomies?"

Well, first of all, the lady was not a native of this country, so her English was a little off, and she just didn't understand what I was talking. At first she told me that Yes, they offered a package if I wanted it. I realized that she had no idea what I was saying, so I asked again, and she assured me, that yes, I can have a package...I can get gift wrapping.

At this point, I knew my attempts at communicating what I needed were going to be futile, unless I pulled up my shirt to physically demonstrate what my issue was! By now another saleslady had joined in on the conversation. She was a native speaker, but very young, and didn't seem to realize what we were talking about either. She said that they did to alterations in the store, and that she thought the lady who did them had just picked up some items last week. But she didn't really understand what I needed. I repeated myself again, but I could feel myself turning red, as I was incredibly embarrassed, and just didn't feel like dealing with it anymore.

I think the 2nd very young saleslady finally knew what I might be talking about, as she asked if I meant the shapeware to slip into the swimsuit. Yes! I told her, that was exactly what I was referring to.

Her response....I'd have to go to the alterations area in the MEN'S Department...to find out if they even offered such a service. Now can you imagine, if 2 ladies in the LINGERIE department have no clue as to what I'm talking about, how would anyone in the Men's department be able to help me? As if I'd even ask a man!!!!! How insensitive of them!

I should have just dumped the suits and left, but because I have this trip coming up, and I didn't know if there'd be any good ones left after this weekend, I went ahead and purchased the suits. I REALLY didn't want to give Macy's my business. But I do know where I will NOT be shopping in the future.

Here's one of the suits I ended up buying. I'm not sure what I'm jealous of more, this model's body....or her hair!

It's all gone.

All went well today. I'm now Port-free!

All the doctors and nurses and technicians were really kind and wonderful. My husband cancelled all of his patients this morning so that he could be with me, and for that I am so thankful. When I arrived home in the late morning, I took a Vicodin and just crashed into the early afternoon while Sara cared for the kids. The rest of the day I was a little groggy, and somewhat sore where the operation took place, but I guess all that's to be expected. Daily life went on as usual.

I'm interested to see what sort of mark the surgeon left, but I can't take off the bandage until tomorrow. Actually, I'm not even sure how I'm going to manage to pull off this heavy-duty vinyl-like tape without ripping my skin off as well.

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts, well-wishes, and prayers for a successful procedure.

-------------------

And speaking of prayers, please continue to pray for my friend Andrea and her family, as she continues to give life to and have hope for and faith in the healing of Nathaniel. Please encourage others to pray as well. Andrea really is an amazing person and I'm so touched by her strength and faith these past few months.

Deport me!

Now that all my tests were clear, I can pretty much be assured that I won't be needing any chemo in the near future. So tomorrow (Wednesday) I get this ugly portacath removed.

It was great when I had it because my veins weren't ruined with all the needle pricks, and I could use numbing cream on it so that I never felt any pain. But it sure was ugly, looking like some deformed bone protruding from my body. Plus, when I would carry Ella when she was throwing a fit, she'd often push on the area of my port, causing discomfort and sometimes extreme pain.

To "deport" me, I have to undergo anesthesia, for a short 15 minute operation. Because they're knocking me out, I had to have a pre-op appointment today to make sure I'm healthy enough for the surgery. All was fine, except my blood pressure was a little low, and my white blood cell count was low as well. This is concerning, and something I need to check on with my oncologist, but not something that will prevent me from having the surgery.

I "go under" very early in the morning, so I'm hoping that by the afternoon, I'll be back to my normal self, and able to check off another task on my Kill Cancer To Do List.