Pass on Macy's

Today I went swimsuit shopping. Now this has always been a DREADED chore each year as A. I'm never as thin as I want to be, and since having 3 kids, the incredibly adorable bikinis are out of the question, B. Because I have been so flat chested, finding one that has the illusion that I'm filling it out has always been an extreme challenge, and C. Cellulite on the butt and thighs is hard to cover up without some granny suit...and I am no granny! Now of course I have this mastectomy to deal with.

I've TRIED to find a suit that doesn't look like it should be on some 60 year old woman. But they just don't make cute ones for mastectomy patients. Lands End appears to have some decent ones specially made for mastectomy issues, but those looked better in the catalog than on me.

So today I just packed up my "swim forms" (otherwise known as fake boobs for swimming) in my backpack and headed to the local department store. I thought that just maybe I could find something that at least appeared decent on me and that had enough material on top to allow my swim forms to be covered up and look somewhat natural. After an hour and a half of wandering the swimwear area and entering the dreaded dressing room, I was able to make a few purchases that just may work out for the summer.

Unfortunately, only one of the three suits had a lining in the breast area that actually had a little slit in it, allowing me to awkwardly (but successfully), create boobs into the swimsuit. The other two did not, but I knew that Bloomingdales would create "pockets" for swimforms, for free, if you purchase the swimsuit (or other lingerie) at their store. But because of some time constraints that I was under, I couldn't make it to the only mall in the area that has a Bloomingdales, and had to settle for Macy's instead. I was right next to the lingerie department, so I figured that I'd ask if they offered the same service.

I should preface this by saying that I was already embarrassed to even ask about this. But I decided to just go for it, because if the answer was "yes," I'd have less awkward "beach issue" to deal with when going on vacation to the Jersey Shore this year. I simply told the lady in the lingerie department about the service the Bloomingdales offered, and did they happen to offer the same? Actually, my exact question was, "Do you offer the service of creating pockets in lingerie or swimwear for people who have had mastectomies?"

Well, first of all, the lady was not a native of this country, so her English was a little off, and she just didn't understand what I was talking. At first she told me that Yes, they offered a package if I wanted it. I realized that she had no idea what I was saying, so I asked again, and she assured me, that yes, I can have a package...I can get gift wrapping.

At this point, I knew my attempts at communicating what I needed were going to be futile, unless I pulled up my shirt to physically demonstrate what my issue was! By now another saleslady had joined in on the conversation. She was a native speaker, but very young, and didn't seem to realize what we were talking about either. She said that they did to alterations in the store, and that she thought the lady who did them had just picked up some items last week. But she didn't really understand what I needed. I repeated myself again, but I could feel myself turning red, as I was incredibly embarrassed, and just didn't feel like dealing with it anymore.

I think the 2nd very young saleslady finally knew what I might be talking about, as she asked if I meant the shapeware to slip into the swimsuit. Yes! I told her, that was exactly what I was referring to.

Her response....I'd have to go to the alterations area in the MEN'S Department...to find out if they even offered such a service. Now can you imagine, if 2 ladies in the LINGERIE department have no clue as to what I'm talking about, how would anyone in the Men's department be able to help me? As if I'd even ask a man!!!!! How insensitive of them!

I should have just dumped the suits and left, but because I have this trip coming up, and I didn't know if there'd be any good ones left after this weekend, I went ahead and purchased the suits. I REALLY didn't want to give Macy's my business. But I do know where I will NOT be shopping in the future.

Here's one of the suits I ended up buying. I'm not sure what I'm jealous of more, this model's body....or her hair!

Mastectomy Effects

I sometimes wonder how my kids will be affected in the long run by all this cancer stuff. Ella's so young, I doubt she'll remember anything. Max, oh, who knows..how much do you remember from when you were 3 years old? Now Cameron....now being 7...my encounter with breast cancer will certainly remain in his schema more than either of his siblings.

Yesterday, after getting a shower, he decided, for some insane reason, to put on my swimsuit (the one that contained my swim forms...better known as my fake swimming boobs).

"Look at me mom! I have big boobs!"

Oh my.

"Mom, why do girls have shirts with these puffy things in them?"

It was then that I realized that he thought that all girls' breasts were actually built into their clothes...not actually a part of their bodies.

Which led me to then think about his future.

He'll be making out with some girl and suddenly she'll hear him say, "Hey, how come your boobs don't come off?"

It's quite the process

My visit with my plastic surgeon on Friday went okay.

Here is a very brief explanation of the process of reconstruction.

First I will have a surgery where on my right side they will do a preventative mastectomy, then use some special skin stuff (technical term of course) to create more space and insert a spacer. On the left side, where I've already had a mastectomy and radiation, they will have to take muscle from my back, flip it around to the front and insert a spacer.

A few weeks after the surgery (which will be very painful by the way), I will return to the doctor's office to start getting "filled up." Every couple weeks or so, I will have saline injections into my spacers, which will stretch the skin. I will keep doing this until I'm the size I want to be...or until my body can't take it anymore. (I don't have to tell them a size from the beginning. I can decide when I get to where I want to be).

When I'm all enhanced, I will have the filled up spacers in for a few months. Then I'll have another surgery where they'll replace the spacers with implants.

Then I have to have nipples made and tattoos put on.

Now doesn't that all sound like so much fun?

So the good news is, I'm not a hopeless cause.

The bad news is, the soonest I can have the surgery is the first week in November! And considering the recovery period, the doctor was encouraging me to wait until after the holidays.

That seems SO LONG away!

Plus, I was uneasy about some other issues they brought up as well. For one, I'm not going to look symmetrical. They said the goal is to look symetrical under my clothing. But because I'll have the muscle flap on my left side, and some skin flap thing on my right side, my actual breasts will not look the same. And on my left side, I'll have some huge football-shaped scar across my breast. I didn't realize this.

If I had known this before, I might have opted to have the complete mastectomy and spacers put in from my initial surgery back in September. At the time, my general surgeon and my plastic surgeon both advised me not to have the spacers put in until after radiation...as there can be risks with the radiation negatively affecting the spacer. I was so spooked and naive about the entire experience that I just did whatever they advised. However, I've heard of several people recently who had all of it done immediately, and then had radiation after. Thus, there was no need for any muscle flaps to be used, and they'd look symetrical, without any football-shaped or lopsided scaring.

So I left the doctor's office a little uneasy.

But hey, at least they can do something.

Construction Consultation

I have a consult with my plastic surgeon tomorrow. I already met with her when I was first diagnosed with cancer. But I had NO CLUE about anything at that point. This time I feel a little more educated about the process, and my husband is coming with me. Our plan is still to have a preventative right mastectomy and complete reconstruction.

At this point I want to know two things:

1. When can I get this surgery done? They originally told me 4 to 6 months after radiation was completed...when I was completely healed. Personally, I'd like to have it done tomorrow...but we know that's not happening.

2. What size can I be? I personally think a size C would just be the perfect"gift" for enduring all this other cancer crap. My greatest fear is that she'll look at my mastectomy side and see that there is no way in hell my skin will stretch to accomodate anything larger than a mosquito bite. Or worst yet, there's nothing at all that they can do, and I'll be destined to wear mastectomy swimsuits for the rest of my life.

Oh, there is one more thing I'd like to know:

3. Do you have any package deals? Cause I'm thinking that while I'm under the knife and going to be enduring a whole bunch of pain for a while, I might as well deal with it all at once. I'm sure they have some "specials." Like a nose job, liposuction and boob job bundle for just one low price. And then maybe some free Botox thrown in if you sign up that day. I better go online and see if I can find some coupons!

It's okay to chuckle....although I really just want to scream.

Ya gotta see the humor in it.

Despite the peach fuzz that is beginning to grow back on my head, I’m losing hair elsewhere. My eyelashes are starting to fall out. They’re not just thinned out, but from my inner corner to the middle of my lid, they’re just gone. So I can’t even use mascara to try to enhance them. I bought some fake eyelashes to try to use when my husband and I go out this week. But I’m farsighted..which means I can’t see things close without my glasses. But I have to have my glasses off to apply the lashes. This should be interesting.

I drove down to Hastings to pick up a mastectomy bra that I had ordered. A sexy black lace bra…to fit my fake boobs in. What a turn on that will be for my husband.

Two more side effects from the Taxol that I’m experiencing are acne…which is popping up all over my chin, and hotflashes...which occur about 15 times a day. What an oxymoron--acne and hotflashes…puberty and menopause. So I’m like a teenager going through menopause. Can you imagine how pleasant I must be to live with!

If you're a guy, just don't read this.

In case you didn’t read the title, if you’re a guy, just don’t read this. Really, you won't be interested. Nor will you at all understand!

I went and bought some boobs today….one of those things you just gotta do if you have a mastectomy.

I’ve been putting it off, and just managing with the temporary foam ones I bought before I had my surgery. But my husband wanted to take the kids to the Dells this weekend…and well you can’t go to the Waterpark Capital of the World without wearing a swimsuit. So I needed to go shopping for swim forms!

I already had purchased a special mastectomy swimsuit from Land’s End; I just needed something to fill it up with!

So I went back to the wonderful A Fitting Place, in Hastings. And I was there for an hour!

Mainly because they don’t make breast forms small enough to match the side of me that wasn’t chopped off! So I was going to have to get a form for each side, to help match things up. But of course the forms had to be different sizes, and even shapes, to account for the tiny little lump of a breast that I still do have. That little thing was causing too much trouble. Seriously, I wish I had it chopped off with the original, since it’s going to happen during reconstruction anyway…but that’s another post for another day.

Anyhow, we got it all worked out, and then I decided to just go ahead and get the regular breast forms that I should have purchased right after my surgery to replace the foam ones. I decided to just get the B cup size, since that’s what I plan on being when I have reconstruction. So that too, involved the matching up, and the finding of the correct bra and size, and color, etc. No simple task, let me tell you.

And although the two ladies there were just so wonderful, kind and professional, I was just so uncomfortable with having my boobs being examined so closely! I mean seriously, when two ladies are staring at your boobs (fake or not), what are you supposed to do and say? I didn’t even know where to look but at the ceiling!

But in the end, I walked out of there with a very comfortable bra and some boobs that I hope look natural. They do regular professional bra fittings there as well. I highly recommend it.

I did decide this, however. The B cups don’t look much different from my super-padded A cup bras. I think I might have to ask my plastic surgeon to kick it up to a C cup size… when the time comes. I have several months before I need to make that decision. But it will be on my mind….or on my chest! Might as well go for it, right?

And one more thing. You know how when you buy an electrical item or some baby toy, you get a little card to fill out to register the item…usually in case of a recall. Well, my breast forms come with those registration cards. Are your boobs registered?