Working on Reading

Last week Max's teacher politely told me that she's basically trying to help him initiate playing with other kids. This doesn't surprise me, as Max can be very sensitive. He also has a couple friends that he plays with no problem, but these consist of only girls. I need to get him playing with other boys his age as well.

However, even though I know there are some social issues we need to work on, Max is starting to read, and probably nothing excites me more! We've been using the book How to Teach Your Child to Read in a 100 Easy Lessons. It's the same book I'd used with Cameron. And Max has picked up on it rather quickly. Today he read his first "Bob" Book "Go Bus." That was very exciting to me. I look forward to more reading time with Max. The way I see it, if Max is reading by Kindergarten, then that's one less thing the teacher needs to be responsible for him....especially since now I just read in the paper that class sizes are going to go UP again in his school district.

I'm going to be having more tests done. I'm due for an MRI on Wednesday. I've been having a lot of neck and head pain at night. Also, standing up and down sometimes brings on major lightheadednesss and pain. A couple times I have almost fallen. And then sometimes, I'm completely fine, just need a minute or two to let the pain subside, and then all is back to normal. There's so much about this cancer that makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. I'm starting to feel like I'm going backwards again as far as mental competence goes. I've been fine, feeling great, and yet these past couple days the anxiety and confusion that I experienced before is starting to come on. I'm also not sleeping well at night. The steroids they make me take has something to do with that....but it's more too. And yet, on better notes, I walked and ran on the treadmill this morning and that felt great.

Psalm 51:12
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Blessings

My husband and I celebrated our 11th anniversary this weekend. Nothing fancy. A really good dinner. We tried a movie....3 times. Who know Slumdog Millionaire was going to be such a popular movie. Even when we purchased tickets in advance, there were no seats available come movietime. We usually see movies during the week...guess we ought to stick to that routine.

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I'm feeling better in a lot of ways, in that I want to try to get things back to normal as possible. As long as I can keep adjusting to the pain in my head and the lightheadedness I continue to experience throughout the day when I'm getting up and down, then I think I'll be fine. I'm not sure why the pain in my neck and head continues, but my oncologist said I need to continue to allow time for the pill chemo and the lumbar puncture chemo to work (another round on Tuesday). I'm trying to be patient.

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Physically I am getting stronger. I can even lift Ella up a little, and before I could not do that at all. I don't feel as fatigued all the time, and my mind is clear. So I praise God for all the wonderful blessings he has bestowed on me lately.



Ephesians 1:3 (NIV)Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.

Warmth

Good news. As far as the MRI's have been read, the radiation has worked on my brain. That means that there should not be cancer in my head right now! Hallelujah! Again, who knows if I'm remembering/reading things right....but overall it's good news. YEAH!

Now the cancer is still in my spine. The new plan is to stop the "direct chemo injection into my brain chemo" right now until we need to start it up again (which should be no big deal with the Ommaya drip already in place from last surgery). We'll continue with the pill form of the Xeloda, which is the "everyday twice a day chemo" and we'll start the spine radiation next Monday. I visit with good Dr Vic on Thursday to discuss the daily radiation plan. Good thing I really like my radiation therapsts. Except it is kind of embarassing seeing all of them when I'm not so lucid and appear quite confused half the time. That's not the way I used to be. I'm hoping that the change of treatment will ease up on my stupidity!

Painwise was better today as well. The night was bad, but with a few adjustments throughout the day, I think we finally might have it under control. I've had a lot of people/friends/strangers suggest different options for pain, but it's really something I have to work on directly with my doctors. Believe it or not, it's the pain that is helping tell whether the different chemos are working or not. It might not make sense, but if we start throwing something else into the mix now, we have too much more to sift through...which could be better, or it could be worse. So I think we're just going to work with the plan that we have right now, and pray on it until we hear/feel otherwise. I thank you everyone dearly for your concern and suggestions.

Just wanted to let you know that depending on my arm/shoulder pain / numbness, my posts mights be shorter....as true also with my individual messages. I can wiggle my fingers in my right hand, but I can't independently lift up my right arm. I'm right handed....so this really is humbling . We're hoping the new radiation will help with this. But if not.....and I'll get through it.

Thank you everyone for increased understanding and patience. I'm going to end here while all still feels good....and with a couple pics.

The first pic is from my "Finally Fiesta" a couple years ago. When I had finally earned my Masters Degree in English Curriculum and Instruction at the University of Minnesota. The next pic is just a reminder of WARMER DAYS as we begin to tackle this frozen weather. Okay, this was in the Bahamas...so maybe that's cheating....but I could use a little warm pick-me-up. Psalm 150
1 Praise the LORD.

Praise God in his sanctuary;

praise him in his mighty heavens.
2 Praise him for his acts of power;

praise him for his surpassing greatness.
3 Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,

praise him with the harp and lyre,
4 praise him with tambourine and dancing,

praise him with the strings and flute,
5 praise him with the clash of cymbals,

praise him with resounding cymbals.
6 Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.

Praise the LORD.

Another MRI, results tomorrow I guess

Just continuing to try to figure it all out. The pain is not going away. I didn't even make it to church this weekend, and for me, that's heartbreaking. My family and I were able to take the kids to see Kung Fu Panada on Saturday, so that was a big plus.

But the rest of the weekend was spent mostly in bed. Today, because of new paralysis in my arm, I had a long MRI I had to lie through. But I was so drugged up, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I do pray we can get this worked out a little by the weekend, so I can see my visiting relatives and attend the Angel Benefit.

John 9:31
If anyone is a worshiper of God, and does His will, He hears him.

Bits and pieces of info

I am feeling MUCH better today. I just decided that I'm going to have to stay on top of my pain medication. That every 4 to 5 hours I'm going to have to take a high dose of Vicodin. I don't want to do this, but even when I drop it a little, I start to have a lot of pain. So until my guests go away, I'm going to keep to this pain medication regiment. Or else I'll just be lying in tears all day, worthless.

Tomorrow, I start a 2nd chemo, called Xeloda. This is a pill I take by mouth. I have to read up on all the side effects and how often I take it, but I THINK it's a daily pill. Obviously I'll make sure I know tomorrow when it's delivered. Here's what's most ironic about this kind of chemo....I won't lose my hair! Except I've already lost my hair from radiation, AND I'll lose my hair from the other chemo...so it doesn't matter!

My Canadian friend Dana set me up with a link to http://www.4women.com/, which has some pricey...but worth it....scarves. They just plop so nicely on your head, are comfortable, and very cute. She used them when she was going through chemo, and I'm definitely going to get at least one more. I do believe that this was the kind Lynette used for her character in Desperate Housewives last year. If you know of someone else losing her hair, this would be a good gift for her.

My sister and 17 year old niece arrived today from New Jersey. It's so nice to be with them, but I hope my kids don't drive them bonkers! They're hoping to go see Madagascar 2 this weekend. Goodness, my kids are having so much fun, they're going to be quite mad when I get healed!

I also have some friends visiting from Utah. I was supposed to be out there visiting THEM much sooner than now, so I feel bad that they're making the trip out here. But it will be great seeing our kids playing together. My friends are so smart, I hope my newfound chemo/brain/radiation fogginess doesn't throw them off too much. A very small price to pay for my healing, but one that I do think about.

Next week I'll have more friends and family to see with the Benefit for the Angel Network.

And on a final note, I have to type that Cameron finished his first Harry Potter book. Now I have a lot of hesitation in writing this. Because I can tell you that he read the words on the page. Did he comprehend it....very little. But that's okay right now. He was SO EXCITED to read it, he was up late trying to sneak in reading by the aquarium light, and he read at every spare moment on the bus, in school, etc, that at this point I don't really care much that he didn't get most of it. He did understand some of it, and after tried to talk with him about it yesterday, (while I was lying flat in bed) he picked up more information to help him comprehend. He's now excited that he finished because I told him last year he had to read each book before I'd let him watch each movie. But I do think that he's extra excited because he finished the book, and he knew that's important to me! I am proud of him.

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Isaiah 41: 8-10, 14-16
But you, O Israel, my servant,
Jacob, whom I have chosen,
you descendents of Abraham my friend,
I took you from the ends of the earth,
From its farthest corners I called you.
I said, "You are my servant:"
I have chosen you and I have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand...

...Do not be afraid, O worm Jacob,
O little Israel,
for I myself will help you," declares the Lord
your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.
"See I will make you into a threshing sledge,
new and sharp, with many teeth.
You will thresh the mountains and crush them
and reduce the hills to chaff.
You will winnow them, the wind will pick them up,
and a gale will blow them away.
But you will rejoice in the Lord
and glory in the Holy One of Israel.

Hey, I voted!

Cameron came home from school today insisting that Barak Obama had won the election...and he even gave me the numbers. It took quite some time for me to finally convince him that it was a "mock" election his school did...not the actual election. I'm sure this morning I'm going to hear a big "See....I told you!" He likes to be right.

Today started out well. I voted. And I went for a slow, short walk. I checked a couple things off my "to do" list. But after dinner, much went downhill. The pain started...head throbbing and with neck pain when looking down, added to all my other usual pains. And they wouldn't seem to go away. I was mostly upset because I couldn't even go in my kids room to kiss them goodnight I was hurting so much. And the more upset I'd get about something, the more my head would throb.

I'm better now. The pain killers finally picked up some. Please pray for me that I can get through this night without so many problems....and that my husband doesn't have to worry so much about this dumb cancer and its effect on me. And give my mom the strength she needs both emotionally and physically to deal with all this as well.

Tonight...the Lord's Prayer.
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done.
On Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day, our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses.
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation.
But deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory.
In Jesus name. AMEN.

Sunday Sunday

As usual, Sunday turns out to be one of my better days. I think the break from radiation, being in church and a day of resting on Saturday all adds up for the good. Yesterday my lower spine was hurting so badly that I thought there was no way I'd be able to sit through the carride to church, let alone an entire service. But I was just fine.

I am very concerned about how quickly I feel like I'm physically deteriorating. Most of the pain and numbness in my leg/foot has been on my left side. Although I've been able to walk, it has been with caution and quite slowly. This just really happened within the last couple days. I was NOT like this last weekend. Today, I'm beginning to feel a little tingling in my right toes now. I hope they're not going numb now as well.

I've only had 2 days of spine radiation, so I'm eager to see what benefits this will have. I will meet with my radiation oncologist on Tuesday as usual to discuss progress.


No unbelief or distrust made him waver convering the promise of God, but he grew strong and was empowered by faith as he gave praise and glory to God, Fully satisfied and assured that God was able and mighty to keep His word and do what He had promised. Romans 20-21

Something good

I have good news, and I have bad news.

First the bad news. The head/mouth/teeth/ear/neck/back pains on the right side still continue. Today they were really bad. In addition, I now have a pain at the top of my left groin that then shoots down my entire leg. My husband said this is probably due to the spinal tap I had yesterday. It should go away. At least it’s not yet another pain to add to my right side.

Now the good news. The preliminary results of all the extra tests done at Mayo showed no cancer in the spine. This is wonderful! Oh I’m so happy!!!!!! The final results won’t come in until next week probably, but for now, I’m dancin’ a little jig!

Also, my BRCA1 test came back. This is basically a genetic test that shows if I might have passed this particular breast cancer gene down to my daughter. It was discovered that I am not a carrier of that particular gene. I am SO RELIEVED about this. I’ve heard (although I could be wrong) that if you are a carrier of the gene, there is an 80 percent chance you would get breast cancer. I would hate to think that I passed something down to my daughter that could cause her so much pain. Not that it’s anyone’s fault, but I would still be filled with guilt. So I’m very happy about this.


Trust in God with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. In all your ways acknowledge God; who will make straight your paths.
Proverbs 3:5,6

I guess size matters

The other day our nanny Sara was changing her baby's diaper. Max was watching her do this, and he became quite interested in what he saw.

"Why is that so big?" he asked referring to little Leo's scrotum.

Sara just told him that that's what little babies looked like (or something similar).

However, Max, who seems to be in competition with everyone lately, couldn't let anyone think he wasn't better or at least equal to this little baby. He had to find something on him that was bigger.

So his next response was "Well, I have a big penis. His is little."

Oh my....and so it starts.

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Last night, even without Ativan, I was able to sleep through the night. Melvin even said that I was snoring! It was the best sleep I'd had since before my surgery.

Now I don't know if it was my new medications, or my full night of rest, but I had a lot less pain in my head today (probably a combination of both). My head was hardly hurting during the day (although I am experiencing some pain now), and I didn't need to take any Vicodin until tonight. The other issues on the right side of my face continued to bother me, including an earache. I'm hoping that the Neurontin that I just started will work this problem out soon.

I forgot to mention yesterday that when I was at Dr. Madavi's (the neurologist), she said that she wanted to order a spinal tap to be done on me. I can't remember if she wanted this to be done because of the spot they found on my MRI, or because of the pain and/or numbness I had been experiencing. To me, it doesn't matter why she said this...all I know is that when she said the words "spinal tap," I immediately shuddered. I actually know nothing about spinal taps, but I heard they stick a needle in your back, and that they're very painful. Dr. Madavi must have sensed my fear because she told me that I certainly can discuss it with my husband, and that I might want to go to my appointment at the Mayo Clinic and see what they say before I have the spinal tap done. Now it's not that I don't trust my doctor, I just don't like pain...any pain! Our Mayo appointment is Tuesday and Wednesday....I think I'll definitely see what they say first.

For now, I'm just incredibly thankful for the rest and since I feel so tired right now, I'm hoping tonight will be the same. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for better sleep for me. God is good.

Popping Pills...a lot of them!!!

I met another neurologist today. She was quite thorough, and she just came across as very knowledgeable and easy to talk to. She didn't seem sad like some of the other medical professionals I've come in contact with....sad meaning they feel bad that this is happening to me. She was more of a "let's get down to business and figure this out"...I liked that a lot.

I gave her my list of symptoms, prefacing them with the statement that I am NOT a hypochondriac, despite what it my list might indicate.

Her thoughts on the intense pain problem mirrored my husbands....nerve pain. I had a lot of nerve pain a few days after my mastectomy. I was given a medication called Neurontin, actually something they give to people with epilepsy. The pain gradually went away, and after a few weeks, I was able to stop taking it completely. Let's pray that the medicine works the same with this new pain. I hope it works quickly as well because although I can't remember exactly how I felt on the medication, I remember saying that the Neurontin was making me neurotic!

I am on so many different medications right now it's just crazy! I finally started writing down each pill I took because I kept forgetting throughout the day when and what I had consumed.

As an example, here's what I took today.

6AM
Tylenol...for my headache.

8AM
Zoloft...so I'm not so crabby.
Indomethacin...for my headaches...what the first neurologist prescribed to me when the migraine shot of Imatrex did not work. If after tomorrow if the headaches aren't better, I can discontinue this prescription.

2:30PM
Vicodin--for head pain and all my other pains. Today my back was hurting more, as was my ear. This pill makes me very sleepy, but works fairly well for the pain.

4:40PM
Neurontin--for my nerve pain...what we hope will stop all this pain. This is my new medicine that I pray works. It also makes me sleepy. This will be great at night, but all these "may cause drowsiness" drugs are going to be difficult to deal with during the day.

5:00PM
Tylenol -- for headache.
Multi-vitamin

6:20PM
Indomethecin-- as stated above, for headaches.

8:30PM
Nystatin--a mouthwash for sores on my tongue. I'm supposed to do this 4 times a day, but I keep forgetting.
Neurontin--as stated before, for the nerve pain. Normally my two doses will be spaced out more, but I didn't get them from the pharmacy until later today.
Vicodin--as stated before, for pain.

As you can see, I'm taking a lot of medications. Just another reason why I am so incredibly thankful that I have my husband to help me figure out how safe it is to take the drugs and the combination of them. I would think I was overdosing taking all these different pills, but having him to supervise my intake of medicines puts me at peace that everything will be just fine.

But my combo of Vicodin and Neurontin makes me VERY SLEEPY. I can barely keep my eyes open as I write this post. So with that, I think I better publish my post and get some much needed sleep.

Goodnight...and gold stars to everyone who thought about my problem today!!!! Thanks for the input!

In the words of Shakespeare...To sleep, perchance to dream

I continue to have sleep and headache issues. First of all, as I think I stated before, I can't sleep. Ever since I had my surgery, I just physically cannot sleep. It's not nerves or anything like that. I will be wide awake, fall asleep for about 40 minutes, and then be wide awake for hours again. However, although I'm awake, my body and mind are tired. It really took its toll on me yesterday. As the day drug on, so did I. And although I could not sleep, I also could not think or process information very well, no doubt as a result of not sleeping. I read a blog about someone else who has brain tumors, and she too could not sleep. She takes Ativan so that she can sleep now. I do this occaisonally, but I hate to keep taking a sleeping pill, along with all my other pain meds.

The biggest problem I have when I don't sleep is that my headaches worsen, which of course makes it even harder to sleep. It's a ridiculous cycle. Once the pain starts, which is incredibly unbearable, it won't go away, even with Percocet. I had an appointment with an internal medicine doctor today for some slight sinusitus that the MRI showed...which I don't have. (And the entire time the doctor is talking to me, he's mumbling in between his sentences, "Oh God bless you. God bless you," in his Saudi Arabian accent. He makes me smile.) After I told him about my pain and sleep issues, he immediately sent me to see a neurologist. (Thank you to nurse Sara for driving me down the street to my appt while my mom had the kids at McDonalds).

I was go grateful to get in to see the specialist immediately because I was in so much pain at this point I was almost in tears. Plus, last year when I was making an appointment for Cameron with a neurologist, it took me over a month before the neurologist had an opening. This is doctor was also very kind and concerned about my pain and just very concerned about all that I had been through. He actually took my hand and asked me how I was doing with all this, and I told him that except for the pain, I really am okay with everything. (He also had this big gold ring that said, "Dad" so I imagined anyone who'd wear a ring like that must really love his kids, which made me like him even more, as a person).

For the pain he gave me a shot of Imitrex, which is what they give to people who have really bad migranes. Unfortunately, it didn't do anything for my headache. And the doctor didn't have an answer as to what would be causing this pain. Quite the medical mystery I am I guess. He sent me home with another prescription that may work to take away the headaches, but overall, I have no idea as to why I'm having these. I don't want to keep popping a bunch of pain killers. There has to be a reason for this. But not even my neurosurgeon, who my husband called last night, had any ideas as to why I'm having these headaches. Maybe someone at Mayo can shed some light next week because I'm really tired of this dominating our lives. I couldn't even go to Cameron's football game today, because of the pain, and he was really sad about this, which in turn made me really sad.

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On a completely different subject, a couple people have asked me about some messages that they sent me....messages I have NO recollection of. The first two weeks after surgery, I was so drugged up, or so filled with anxiety, that there were a lot of e-mails that I think I read, but never actually processed or remembered. So if it seems like I'm ignoring you, really, I'm not. And I apologize sincerely. If you pop me a note again, I'll try to answer it this time...if my head doesn't feel like it's in a vicegrip! (I'm only able to write now because my Vicodin has kicked in quite nicely).
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Football season has begun for Cameron. That is a post in and of itself, but for now, I'll just say that HE is loving it! Thankfully I have WONDERFUL neighbors who told me that they will take him and bring him home from every practice and game, so that I don't have to worry about that at all. I still try to make at least his games (which are 2, sometimes 3, times a week), but I know I won't be making all of them...like tonight's game. Now I'm not trying to buy forgiveness from my son, but I know that he'd be SO excited if I got him something to wear from his favorite team....the University of Minnesota Gophers. Plus, my husband just called and said he got a touchdown...his first one...so now I'm really bummed that I missed his game. But anyhow, I'm looking for a Univ. of Minnesota fall ZIP-UP jacket for him to wear. He's about a size 8. So if anyone happens to come across one, can you please let me know. I'm going to go online tomorrow and see what I can find. THANKS!

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Moreover, let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance. And endurance develops maturity of character. And character producs joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation! Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5

I'm too sexy for this skin.

After having my mastectomy, my skin in that area and under my arm has been fairly numb. The lack of sensation was quite annoying at first, but then I've just gotten used to it. With my radiation, it has actually been a blessing. Because what one person described as feeling 20 times worse than your worst sunburn, has been mostly pain-free for me. Although it looks horrible, I didn't really feel too much discomfort. Until this weekend. It seemed more "prickly," and in some particular areas just plain painful. It also now itches like hell.

Today after my radiation, one of the very kind techs looked at my skin and said that it was beginning to break open. I noticed some parts being much redder, but I didn't realized that this is what was occuring. The tech sent me right to a nurse for some dressings.

And "dressed" me she did....in a fish-net stocking! No really. She had white elastic fishnet material over her arm. She cut holes with some scissors and told me that my arms would go there. I started laughing, becauseI thought she was joking. The net was so small. But it streteches. And over my head it went, covering my entire torso, strong enough to hold the wet, soothing bandages in place, but loose enough as not to cause any pain.

I am literally wearing a fishnet tank top.

I think I'll see if they have black tomorrow. It would be much sexier, don't ya think?

More poison.

I finished round 7 (of 8) of my chemo today.

Not sure where that falls on my marathon analogy scale. If I did my algebra correctly, I think it's just past mile 22.

And just like in a real marathon, my legs are killing me. But not from the chemo (yet), but from the fact that I decided to run/walk 4 miles on the treadmill yesterday. I haven't run in over a month...so I am feeling it today. It's a good pain though. If this round follows the pattern of my last rounds, in a few days, the bad pain will start. But I'll worry about that when/if it hits.

No pain, no gain!

Don't read this if you're expecting a cheery attitude.

No chuckles or smiles here today. Today was just a crappy day, and I won’t even try to mask it with humor.

You know that pain that I’ve been mentioning, well, it has not been going away. Any touch of the surgical area, including in my armpit area and in the under part of my upper arm, just feels like needles...kinda like brush bristles being rubbed, hard, against my skin. Any touch, even the touch of my shirt, causes this pain. Needless to say, I’m really crabby about this. Doing ANYTHING incites the pain, and it just sucks.

I called the doctor, and he had me come in. But on my way there, as I was chomping on a mint, I chipped my tooth. Now this is completely my fault, because a year and half ago I had a root canal, and never went back for the $700 crown. Didn’t know it was so important…apparently it is.

Anyway, while sitting in the doctor’s office, I flipped through O Magazine, which someone had given me in a care basket. One of the articles was entitled, “The Breast Caner Nobody Is Talking About: The news about breast cancer is good, and getting better all the time—except for one virulent, fast-acting type that attacks more than twice as many young black women as all other women…” Then it went on to describe mostly the “triple-negative” cancer that I have (even though obviously I’m not black)…which is very aggressive, and why despite having a mastectomy, I also must have chemo and radiation, even though the cancer hadn’t spread to the lymph nodes. It was just a bit depressing actually reading about it.

Finally I was called to the back. After explaining to my doctor the pain, he explained that it was some nerve thing (as usual…very detailed medical terms I’ll be using here), having something to do with the nerves being cut. And that the pain isn’t actually physical, but neurological. He made it clear that this does not mean it’s “in my head” but it is related to the nerves. At least I think that’s what he said. I understand it all when he’s telling me, but as soon as I walk out that door, if I haven’t written anything down to review, all the information just sorta mushes and blends and the details are blurry. Anyhow, Dr. Sanan said it’s not a common side effect, but it does happen sometimes. I asked him how long I was going to feel this way. He told me that he didn’t know anyone who had it forever. (Not sure if that was a joke or not). He then prescribed me some medicine that isn’t actually for pain, but something that they often give to people with epilepsy…again, something with nerves and such. The problem is, the medicine will make me drowsy. And I have to take it 3 times a day! For at least a month! Not really the news I wanted to hear. I did ask him if it was going to make me gain weight, and he told me no. So at least that’s good.

Afterwards, I went to the dentist and made an appointment…well a few, for this whole tooth correction plus a cleaning. While there, I left my glasses. Of course I didn’t know this until a couple hours later after I was already in a panic about not being able to see.

At one point, I was finally able to lie down and just take a nap. I did make myself get up to greet Cameron from his bus, only to be encountered with a very angry child. Let me back up, this morning, he found a salamander in our garage. They’re gross, like short snakes with legs. But he couldn’t seem to capture it. After getting on the bus, one of my neighbors got the slimy thing out and set it free. Well, as soon as Cameron got off the bus, he went right to the garage looking for the critter. Not realizing how excited he was to see it, I told him that we caught it and let it go. It was right then and there that the tears started….and they wouldn’t stop. He went inside and the wailing continued for over an hour. He whined, and sobbed, and whimpered and glared, and all out sobbed some more. It was RIDICULOUS! I tried to be nice, apologized, was kind, was mean, threatened, sent him to his room, lectured, etc. NOTHING worked! That child came down for dinner, took his plate from the table and walked out to the back porch with it. When questioned, he told me he wanted to eat by himself. The nerve of that child! Fearing what I might do or say to him if he continued with his attitude, I obliged and was more than happy to allow him to eat outside….alone!

So that was my day. Pretty crappy.

Except the worst part of all, as I’m about to take my medicine, the warnings read that alcohol intensifies the effect of the medicine. Does this mean that I can’t drink my wine? What a tragedy!

At least my toes don't hurt

I’ve mentioned before that amongst all this cancer stuff, I want things to stay as normal as possible around the house…especially with the kids. So I’ll have Ella sit on my lap when I’m reading to her, even though I have to be totally guarded about my left side, and the entire time I’m uncomfortable because I’m worried that she’s going to fling her head against my chest.

I try to make sure that my afternoon nap ends before Cameron gets off the bus so I can greet him, as he runs to me asking to go to friend’s house. (Although, he is quite used to me sleeping, as I used to nap all the time, precancer diagnosis! When I told him about the surgery and someone putting me to sleep, he told me that I wouldn’t need a doctor to put me to sleep because I do that all the time anyhow).

Today Max was very clingy, morning and around lunch time. He kept wanting me to pick him up and carry him around. I feel bad sometimes, so I obliged him (or maybe I should just admit that I don’t feel like listening to his whining so I give in to his demand of being hoisted around by me). Today, when I picked him up, he sorta leaned into my left side, so I immediately reminded him of my oweee. And then on my right side, he somewhat grabbed onto my shoulder, where my porto cath is, and so I pointed it out to him to let him know that it hurts if he touches me there. A bit exasperated, but still wanting to be close to me, he asked, “Are you hurting on your back, too?” I had to laugh, and let him actually hang out on my back, as long as he didn’t grab around my neck and shoulders. This didn’t last long.

I’ll be happy when I’m all healed. Because I do miss the closeness of my family.