Weekend Update

It was a very busy weekend around here. Sunday I was able to make it to church, which is always good. We even were able to make it to brunch.

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Thank you to my friends who took my 2 boys to hang out with them this weekend. They had a lot of fun.

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Cameron starts football camp this week. Should be interesting.

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I do continue to pass out..which is not good.
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Do you know Jesus?

Eph. 3:14-16: "For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man;"

Party time

I was able to make it to church again yesterday, and today I'm hoping to get to a picnic today with my Bible study group and our families.

Cameron's birthday party went very well. And we had some great parent helpers....along with my husband, who really was Superdad!

Here's Cameron playing Deal or No Deal.

Some of the younger kids actually won some stuffed animals from the Crane Game.

All is fine

Thank you for all the prayers yesterday. Everything went very smoothly and I was so distracted with all my tests that I wasn't even hungry. And as usual, the nurses and techs were incredibly kind.

My tests all came back well. My blood counts and such were all up. I don't have pnemonia or anything like that.

I was also able to get out and meet with my small group from church. It's been a while since I've been able to hang out with them, so I am very, very happy about that.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Kindness of strangers

I continue to be in awe of everyone's kindness. Today especially to the kindness of strangers. At church today a lady came into my row, looked me right in the eye and sincerely asked me, "Hi there. How are you doing today?" She looked a little younger than me and was wearing a hat. I didn't even realize until my husband told me later that she was dealing with cancer as well.

Toward the end of the service, my pastor called people up who needed prayer. At first I wasn't going to go, because I was rather tired and didn't want to wait in line. But a couple who I know from church saw me waiting and came up to pray for me. I am so grateful they did this.

And then while my husband was picking up all the kids from their Kid's Church rooms, I was sitting out in the lobby. Two different strangers saw me sitting and came up to me to tell me they would be praying for me and my family.

Really, people are good.

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By the way, Ella wasn't sick at all today. Praise God!

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Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another; not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer….Romans 12:10-12 KJV

Seeking the same

Probably the hardest part about all this cancer is watching my kids have to deal with it. I don't want their memories of their childhood to center around mommy being sick. Last year, when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I did everything to try to keep the kids' lives as "normal" as possible. I signed them up for the same activities. I continued to volunteer in Cameron and Max's classroom. And when a new video came out, we still had "movie night" at our house, inviting some of the neighborhood kids over. It wasn't always easy, but it was something I felt was important to me and my family.

Of course I'm trying to have the same attitude with this new cancer. And that's part of the reason why the pain I'm experiencing is so frustrating to me. Basically, it's preventing me from creating a "normal" life for my kids. The pain that I'm experiencing makes it hard for me to want to do anything. So to counteract that, I have to take a bunch of pain meds, all of which claim to cause drowsiness. So I am constantly fatigued.

Today Cameron had an early football game. There was no way I was going to have all the kids ready for an 8:30 AM game. Thankfully Melvin was able to take him, because Cameron gets really sad if one of us is not there. Afterwards, the kids had a birthday party for Max's best friend, but I was so nauseous from what I think were the pain meds, that I could do nothing but lie on the couch and wait for Melvin to come home from the football game. There was no way I was going to be able to hang out with all three kids at this party, which was the original plan. Thankfully, my husband told me to go back to bed, and he got all the kids to the party, and hung out with them there for a couple hours, while I slept. If you knew my husband, you'd know that hanging around a bunch of kids he doesn't really know, is not even close to his idea of fun. That's one of those understood things that I do as a mom, not him. So the fact that he stepped forward and did this for me and the kids meant so much to me.

I felt much better later in the day, and just hung around the house with Cameron and Max, while Ella was napping. Although it felt good just being with my kids while they played video games, I still felt bad that my illness was keeping us from having one of our normal family outings. It would have been the perfect day to take Ugly Betty out on the river, but I just did not feel well enough to do so. Part of me told myself to just suck it up and go out there so your husband and kids could have a good time. But the other part of me knew that I'd be feeling awful, and wouldn't be able to help out with anything. So instead of hanging out on the water, we ate out at Red Lobster, which usually turns into quite a disastrous affair, but actually turned out to be a nice family dinner this evening. Not as fun as a boat trip, but I still enjoyed having dinner with the kids, and my crab legs (the ones Ella didn't get her hands on) were delicious.

Tomorrow is church, which is something that's really important to me. I learn so much from each service, and I just feel right when I leave there. I know that people are praying for me, and it makes a difference. I also feel it is important that the kids have a place where they can go to learn about our Lord in a safe and exciting setting. I am very impressed by the kids' program and will do everything I can to keep this as a constant for my little blessings. We also have a favorite breakfast place where we do brunch after church. Eli, the chef and I think owner, of Khoury's in Inver Grove Heights, is a man of God who even prayed over me when he found out I was going in for more surgery. The kids, and my husband and I, look forward to dining at this restaurant, so it's another important part of our family time that I'd like to keep in place, despite the difficulties I might be facing.

I guess right now it's a bit of a balancing game. My husband says that I need to rest and relax and allow my body to heal and get better. And yet, I have these wonderful kids before me that I still need to be a mom to. You can't very well be a good mom lying in bed all day. I pray that this pain goes away. That it disappears as quickly as it came on, so that I can do my "job" as mom and wife. So that my family does not have to constantly be told that mommy can't do something because she's not feeling well. And we can continue to live the life that our glorious God has laid out for us.

(And besides, it's cutting into my blogging time as well. Which is why I haven't posted in a couple days. I usually blog at night right before bed, but the meds I'm on just knock me out. This is not making me happy! Doing my blog is the one thing I do for me. I can't run anymore. I can't drink my wine. And now I can't write? Oh no, that's not going to happen!)

You're back....but so am I!

One year ago today I had a mastectomy of my left breast. One year ago today started all the treatments...the surgery, then chemo, then radiation...of this cancer that was just supposed to be done with. My approach to my cancer was to get rid of it, do everything I could so that it didn't come back, and then work on making myself look normal again. I was going to deal with it, and then move on with my life as if I was never affected by cancer.

HA! to me!!!!!

You know some people get cancer and it is life changing for them. For me, it really wasn't. I just wanted to move on and forget about it. It's sad to say, but I didn't feel like I had learned any life lessons or learned to appreciate anything more than I did before cancer. I didn't feel any stronger; I didn't feel like I had some new lease on life. Although my faith and my relationship with God certainly did strengthen greatly, and I met a lot of wonderful and helpful people, but other than that, life was the same for me. And that's how I wanted it.

HA! to me!!!!!!!!

But I do believe that God was completely preparing me for what has come. I'm not going to get into a discussion of whether this was God's plan or the result of us living in a fallen world or the work of the Devil or just some fluke or what not. None of that really matters. My pastor did a great sermon a few weeks ago about whatever the cause of the suffering...it doesn't matter because God shows up in the midst of it. That He will be there no matter what you can count on. (You can actually listen to the sermon or watch the video here . Scroll down to 7/6/2008 to the sermon entitled Held by Greg Boyd. I highly encourage you to listen to it).

There were little things that helped prepare me for the return of the dreaded cancer. I had written on my July 25th post about my sudden newfound concern for cancer returning after reading a couple articles about it reoccurring in other people. And some of my friends can tell you that I was expressing this fear to them as well. So it was then, after about a month of really worrying about it, before I had any symptoms of my tumor, it was then that I made peace with myself about the cancer coming back. I still had that nagging feeling in the back of my mind, but I just prayed about it and just decided to be at peace with it.

I even wrote on Aug. 9th in the comments of a blogger Ann who had written about my situation on her blog here . I responded "Thank you for your very kind words. With my faith in the Lord, I really do feel like I have Someone else to help me through all this...literally pulling and pushing me along. Knowing that with Him, I really could face whatever was thrown at me. On a different note, I do believe that facing cancer is easier than the daily struggles we often face as moms...and the struggles are different for each mom. What an important job we have as mothers, and the ramifications of every decision we make, all affecting our childrens' futures, is sometimes very overwhelming to me! But aren't kids amazing...and so worth it!" My response to her was different than I probably would have responded even 2 weeks prior. One, I usually don't testify about God to people. It actually took a lot of effort for me to say to people that I was praying for them. I don't know why. If God was supposed to be Lord of my life, I certainly shouldn't be so shy to express that. Now I'm not an evangelist...I'm pretty sure that's not my calling. But I do feel that God was beginning to really work within me to really feel comfortable with my faith and expressing it better so that I could truly cope with what was to come.

Secondly, I noted in that comment above about kids being amazing and just worth it. Really, that is NOT something I would have said before. I mean, of course they're worth it, but I didn't always feel that way. I felt more frustrated by the "dailyness" of motherhood than actually enjoying it. Everything seemed like one big chore, and I wasn't enjoying any of it. But as I said, the Lord was preparing me. Because when I had that notion in my mind that the cancer could come back, something changed inside me. I suddenly started just enjoying my kids more. I stopped caring so much about trying to get the kitchen cleaned up right away after dinner and I started going outside with them and just hanging out. I started rocking Ella longer at night and just holding her and really feeling her joy. Even doing things like getting my kids breakfast when I really wanted to just be back in bed was actually enjoyable to me. I even came to the decision that I was not even going to look for another job to help satisfy that "I'm a teacher...I gotta teach and touch the minds of the future" craving that I have always had. For the first time ever, I must say that I was very content with not working and being able to stay home with my little ones. And as I said, this was BEFORE I knew about my brain tumor.

So God had certainly prepared me for when my tumor was found. Now I'm not saying that I was all happy and such. Of course I cried, and I was mad, and sad and frustrated and confused and defeated and a whole bunch of emotions all combined. But overall, now I can sincerely say that I'm at peace. I'm at peace knowing that all will be well. I'm at peace knowing that I have amazing people working on me and fighting with me and praying for me. I'm at peace with the fact that God will be there and hold me and my children and my husband. And at the end of it all, we will be winners.

And now one year after my original surgery, I must say HA to cancer. Because yeah, you're back. But so am I...and thanks to the Lord, I'm better than ever!

Mirror, Mirror on the wall.

When I told the kids that I didn't have any cancer in my body anymore, their responses were varied, and typical, for each of them

Ella of course has no clue what I'm talking about.

Max just said, "Oh," and then proceeded with, "Can I color?" Occasionally though, he will bring it up, completely out of the blue, that I don't have to go to the doctor's because the cancer is all gone. I think he got pretty tired of me leaving the house all the time for all my appointments, especially my daily radiation treatment.

Cameron on the other hand, had a lot to say. "Really? It's all gone? YEAH! Good job mom. But when are you going to get your girl hair back?" I asked him how long my hair had to be for him to consider it girl hair? "Oh, just about this long (as he motioned to about chin length). You know, when it hangs down and isn't stuck to your head anymore like boy hair."

How long will that be? A REALLY LONG TIME...was my response.

Actually, every Sunday I obsess about my hair length...in church. During the morning service my kids are in childcare and not distracting me. I sit toward the back and have a clear view of many different hair lengths. Even though we have an incredible pastor with very interesting and amazing sermons (I encourage you to listen to them for free here), I sometimes find myself looking at someone's hair, then calculating how long it will take for my hair to grow to that length, if the often-said formula of 1/2 inch per month were actually true. To get my hair back to my pre-chemo days, we're actually talking like TWO YEARS!

Last weekend, still at church, I was walking down the halls of the kids' area when one of my good friend's husband (who I see almost every weekend) walked right past me. "Oh, I didn't recognize you," he said kindly. And I thought to myself, yeah, I so get that. Honestly, (except when I'm in church), I don't really think too much about my hair anymore....until I walk by a mirror, or see a photo of me. I then get that strange feeling of not recognizing myself!

I'm actually not complaining. Losing my hair is a small price to pay for my life. Now when people comment on my hair, I just say, "Yeah, it'll do for now. At least it's better than being bald" because I certainly was NOT one of those cute little bald women you often see in cancer materials.

So it will be a while before this boyhair grows into girlhair. Until then, I'm just going to enjoy the low-maintenance of it all. And maybe add a few hair extensions.