Probably the hardest part about all this cancer is watching my kids have to deal with it. I don't want their memories of their childhood to center around mommy being sick. Last year, when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I did everything to try to keep the kids' lives as "normal" as possible. I signed them up for the same activities. I continued to volunteer in Cameron and Max's classroom. And when a new video came out, we still had "movie night" at our house, inviting some of the neighborhood kids over. It wasn't always easy, but it was something I felt was important to me and my family.
Of course I'm trying to have the same attitude with this new cancer. And that's part of the reason why the pain I'm experiencing is so frustrating to me. Basically, it's preventing me from creating a "normal" life for my kids. The pain that I'm experiencing makes it hard for me to want to do anything. So to counteract that, I have to take a bunch of pain meds, all of which claim to cause drowsiness. So I am constantly fatigued.
Today Cameron had an early football game. There was no way I was going to have all the kids ready for an 8:30 AM game. Thankfully Melvin was able to take him, because Cameron gets really sad if one of us is not there. Afterwards, the kids had a birthday party for Max's best friend, but I was so nauseous from what I think were the pain meds, that I could do nothing but lie on the couch and wait for Melvin to come home from the football game. There was no way I was going to be able to hang out with all three kids at this party, which was the original plan. Thankfully, my husband told me to go back to bed, and he got all the kids to the party, and hung out with them there for a couple hours, while I slept. If you knew my husband, you'd know that hanging around a bunch of kids he doesn't really know, is not even close to his idea of fun. That's one of those understood things that I do as a mom, not him. So the fact that he stepped forward and did this for me and the kids meant so much to me.
I felt much better later in the day, and just hung around the house with Cameron and Max, while Ella was napping. Although it felt good just being with my kids while they played video games, I still felt bad that my illness was keeping us from having one of our normal family outings. It would have been the perfect day to take Ugly Betty out on the river, but I just did not feel well enough to do so. Part of me told myself to just suck it up and go out there so your husband and kids could have a good time. But the other part of me knew that I'd be feeling awful, and wouldn't be able to help out with anything. So instead of hanging out on the water, we ate out at Red Lobster, which usually turns into quite a disastrous
affair, but actually turned out to be a nice family dinner this evening. Not as fun as a boat trip, but I still enjoyed having dinner with the kids, and my crab legs
(the ones Ella didn't get her hands on) were delicious.
Tomorrow is church, which is something that's really important to me. I learn so much from each service, and I just feel right when I leave there. I know that people are praying for me, and it makes a difference. I also feel it is important that the kids have a place where they can go to learn about our Lord in a safe and exciting setting. I am very impressed by the kids' program and will do everything I can to keep this as a constant for my little blessings. We also have a favorite breakfast place where we do brunch after church. Eli, the chef and I think owner, of Khoury's
Grove Heights, is a man of God who even prayed over me when he found out I was going in for more surgery. The kids, and my husband and I, look forward to dining at this restaurant, so it's another important part of our family time that I'd like to keep in place, despite the difficulties I might be facing.
I guess right now it's a bit of a balancing game. My husband says that I need to rest and relax and allow my body to heal and get better. And yet, I have these wonderful kids before me that I still need to be a mom to. You can't very well be a good mom lying in bed all day. I pray that this pain goes away. That it disappears as quickly as it came on, so that I can do my "job" as mom and wife. So that my family does not have to constantly be told that mommy can't do something because she's not feeling well. And we can continue to live the life that our glorious God has laid out for us.
(And besides, it's cutting into my blogging time as well. Which is why I haven't posted in a couple days. I usually blog at night right before bed, but the meds I'm on just knock me out. This is not making me happy! Doing my blog is the one thing I do for me. I can't run anymore. I can't drink my wine. And now I can't write? Oh no, that's not going to happen!)
Labels: brain tumor, cancer, church, husband, kids