Sometimes it's hard to be happy

This message won't be long because I've just been down in the dumps lately. I think it's because this week, I've been having pain again...in my head, in my shoulders, down my spine. All the areas that were so concerning before. And when I have these aches, I'm just so crabby, because the Tylenol doesn't do much to relieve my pain. And I think I start to become fearful that the cancer is growing.

I've also been really tired. I walk up the stairs, and I want to just lie down and take a nap. I thought being off the chemo this week was going to make it easier, but it hasn't.

Also, I think I've been down because my fear is that the doctor is going to do some tests and tell me that I need radiation again. Such treatment was daily and I had to plan my whole day around it. I just don't want to do it anymore.

Tomorrow, my husband and I meet with my oncologist. I pray that all is well and I'm just being ridiculous about it all. I so want to be healed....so badly.

Sorry I'm not so chipper today.

Lord, please help me to see the good around me and not dwell on the pain or or what might be happening inside my body. I am surrounded by helpful people that the Lord had brought into my life and for that I am so thankful. Allow me to accept Your healing power and have confidence in Your work. Confidence that you will rebuke this cancer and bring nothing but joy into this household. In Jesus name, Amen.


"Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them." (Mark 11:24)

"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:16)

The day

I am not amazing. I keep getting these really great messages from friends/family/strangers about how amazing I am. And I certainly do appreciate the encouragement. But let me tell you how amazing my day was today.

Cameron woke me up around 6:30. My husband sent me back to bed while he got him breakfast.


After resting for a little longer, I joined my mom and son downstairs. We discovered the coffee maker was broken....major catastrophe, so my mom went out and got coffee.


Ella and Max made their way downstairs, and eventually had their instant oatmeal breakfast (Ella prefers hers cold these days!).


The kids played nicely, mostly, until I put Cameron on the bus.


Max and Ella continued to play, while I sat on the couch and just vegged out and basically did nothing. I just couldn't seem to break out of this funk. Eventually, my husband told me to go upstairs to lie down, while the kids played in the basement.


Around lunchtime I finally dragged myself out of bed, got a shower, heated up some food for the kids, and then hitched a ride with my mom to 2 of my doctors' appointment.


Then I came back and rested...again.

See...nothing major. Nothing amazing that I'm doing. Now everyone else around me...they're amazing...especially my mom. But no great feats out of me. I'm not some..."screw cancer...I'm going to live life like a normal kind of girl. Cancer can't get me down." I'm not taking this time to raise money, raise awareness or raise my IQ. I wish I could be that way. But right now, I'm just too tired. I'm just getting through each day.


Radiation just seems to be sapping my energy big time right now....or else I need some major espresso shots added to my daily brew. I think I'll try that tomorrow!

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Cameron's school is part of some grant that sends math games home with the kids each week. It has been a lot of fun, especially when Max can start to do the games with him. It was nice watching the two boys work together to create 3-D sculptures before school this morning. Cameron is very encouraging to Max.

Is it Monday yet?

My husband has been away on a much-deserved fishing trip, so I've been flying solo this weekend.

I'm lucky that I have some great friends and neighbors helping me out by coming over to keep me company, having some of my kids go to their house, etc.

Despite everyone's help, I didn't get any naps in. And my kids' 6 AM wake-up calls were really taking their toll. Tonight I was just exhausted.

So tired that I actually gave the kids cereal for dinner. Yes, just plain old cereal.

I've NEVER done that before, and certainly don't want to get into the habit of it. But I was just beat and had no energy or desire to cook anything.

So at least they ate something. And they were actually very happy about it!