All around

I have another lumbar puncture tomorrow to inject more chemo into the spine. I feel like I just had this done. But I guess it was 2 weeks ago. I'll have to lie flat for most of the morning. Wish I could put a TV on my ceiling.

--------------------------------------

Watching Top Chef has me thinking I should try to be a chef. My previous way of making meatloaf involved an egg, some packet of seasoning, and ground meat. My recipe today was a Martha Stewart one that one of my neighbors made for me last year. As I was making it today, all I could say to myself was, "What was I thinking?" Here's the recipe. It is quite good, but very time consuming....at least by my standards. On tomorrow's menu....scallops. Never made them before, but they're sitting in my freezer. Might as well figure out how to use them.

--------------------------------------------

I am very annoyed about this peanut butter scare. My son eats PB & J for lunch almost every single day.

-------------------------------------------

I'm excited for a new President...finally.

------------------------------------------------------

"Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food." - Genesis 1:29

A very merry Christmas

Four weeks ago, I spent a lot of Thanksgiving trying to cook. It was no easy task for me, and I never would have been able to do it without my mother. I had a hard time following recipes and there were a few dishes I make all the time that I had a really hard time remembering how to cook. I was very stressed out and really needed a lot of help. Now here it is twenty five days later. Except for the dessert and the Honey-baked ham that was already prepared, I cooked the whole Christmas feast, which involved most of same food as Thanksgiving. So when people ask me how I'm doing, I can legitimately say, MUCH BETTER!

Cameron was up EARLY this morning. Melvin told him he couldn't wake us up before 6:00. But that didn't stop him from getting up or from waking up his brother. Cam came down stairs and to take up time, starting writing notes on slips of paper and posting them around the room to direct each person where their gifts were located. Max was very excited to open his gifts and he didn't even complain that someone got something he wanted. However, he did spend a lot of the day playing with Ella's big gift. Once she finally "woke up," was out of her tired funk, and put a smile on her face, she started opening her gifts and had a lot of fun.

Overall it was a really good day. But now I'm very tired, and really ready to sleep.

Matthew 2

The NativityBible Story

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.

And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:) to be taxed with Mary, his espoused wife, being great with child. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid: And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger. And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all they that heard it, wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds. But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart. And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.

And when eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the child, his name was called Jesus, which was so named of the angel before he was conceived in the womb.

At least I still have my hair...for the moment.

Radiation continues. I think I've completed 8 treatments. But the thing is, it's weird going through it, but not knowing if it's doing a darn thing, because nothing really feels different. Um, let me rephrase that. Things feel different, but they don't feel better. If the purpose of the radiation is to eradicate all cancer/left-over tumors, than it seems that the trouble that tumors may be causing would be easing up. But it doesn't feel that way at all.

The numbness and odd sensations along my tongue and now into my lower teeth continue to spread. I'm pretty good about not biting my tongue now, but it is always a concern. However, I'm not able to taste things very well, which isn't beneficial when trying to keep an appetite up. The other head/neck/back/ear etc. usual pain still continues. But the head pain is not so intense. BUT, is that because the cancer is going away, or because I'm still on the steroids that relieves the pressure. which is what finally relieved some pain last week.

I also have continued numbness and swelling in my right knee, feeling like there's water in there. It's actually causing me to limp a little. When I had my spinal tap, we thought this was a side effect of it. Not sure if this continued numbness and swelling is supposed to happen.

Mentally, it's been a bit strange. I feel a little foggy at times. Like I'll wander around and just not be able to get anything accomplished. I can't figure out what to do first. And I often go back and look at what I've typed in e-mails and it's not so comprehensible with word choice or spelling. I'm still not really good with times and schedules, and some of that is getting better, and in other ways is getting worse. Again, don't know if it's radiation/tumor/brain damage related.

Can you tell that I'm a bit unsettled.

I'm not meaning to be such a downer here. I'm really just writing out my symptoms and issues to go over with my radiation oncologist tomorrow.

But on a good note, when I'm distracted by the fun of my kids, I feel better. Tonight, except for a few usual Max and Ella fits, things went very well. When I made Cameron do extra reading for homework, he didn't even complain, and instead, read outloud his Pokemon chapter book to Ella. When she got tired of listening to him, she found her own books to look though, while Max and I worked on a couple reading lessons. Cameron also helped Max go outside and look for items that began with the letter A for an assignment Max has this week. All the kids joined me in making some muffins from scratch (yes, I said from scratch...that's what happens when I get around my baking friends for a weekend), and they actually did pretty well with taking turns. I was able to overlook any pain and just have fun with them.

Although, it was kinda hard not to get mad when I finally put them to bed and found 18 pee-filled pullups stacked up behind Max and Cameron's computer tower in their room. After lying about it first, Max finally admited to doing it...of course with a smile on his face! Their room has been smelling like pee for the past couple weeks, and I couldn't figure out why. Well, now I know!-------------------------------------

Matthew 8:23-26

And after He got into the boat, His disciples followed Him. And suddenly, behold, there arose a violent storm on the sea, so that the boat was being covered up by the waves; but He was sleeping. And they sent and awakened Him, saying, Lord, rescue and preserve us! We are perishing! And He said to them, Why are you timed and afraid, O you of little faith? Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great and wonderful calm.

Compliments

Usually, no matter what I make for dinner...no matter how much thought, time, or effort I put into it, no one is satisfied. Max is usually the easiest to please, but lately he's been quite vocal in letting me know what he likes or doesn't like. Ella hasn't been too keen on much of anything at dinnertime lately. And Cameron, well, let's just say that I have to literally run much of his meat under water, in order to rinse off any spices that might give a smidgen of flavor to his food. It's frustrating. (And to all my family members, please spare me the lecture about my childhood pickiness, I know, I know. It's all payback).

But tonight it was wonderful. I made grilled BBQ salmon, with garlic butter brocolli and rice. My own kids had their usual reactions, but my nieces countered their indifference and rejection with nothing but praise. "Auntie Cari, this is some good rice...Auntie Cari, I really like this salmon. Can I have some more....Auntie Cari, I like how you made this brocolli." And they weren't just saying it to be polite, because they actually went back for seconds, and sometimes thirds!

These four can visit me anytime. My ego needs it!

Now that's undomestic!

I'm writing this during a commercial break from my Project Runway replacement, Top Chef.

I'm reminded of a Wii game I saw in the store the other day.

Cooking Mama: Cook Off

Never heard of it? You can learn about it here. But basically, it's a video game where you're preparing a meal.

At first I was intrigued and thought it might be rather fun.

But then I realized that if I'm down in the basement cooking a virtual meal, then I'm not up in my own kitchen cooking an actual meal.

And that would be a problem.

But just think how easy the clean up would be!

The daily grind...I mean the daily gratitude

My Mom’s Spiritual Spa group is reading Katie Brazelton’s Pathway to Purpose for Women: connecting your to-do list, your passions, and God’s purpose for your life. Chapter 3: "Do What Matters Today" really hit home for me. I put my very fulfilling career as a middle school Language Arts teacher on hold, not because I didn’t like it, not because I had this deep desire to be at home to raise my kids. In all honesty, when I taught, I’d be there over an hour before school started, and often wouldn’t come home until after 5, and then when home I’d do more school work, and plenty more on the weekend. Doing so made me a good teacher. And since my husband worked all the time, it kept me busy and preoccupied. When I decided to have kids, I knew I couldn’t do it all. Okay, I could do it all, but I couldn’t do it all well. And that to me is what’s important. So I stopped teaching.

So to continue with my complete honesty, I really have felt that in these six and a half years as a mother (minus the two when I worked part time), I was being made to sacrifice my career for my kids. Instead of enjoying what I had in front of me, I was looking to what I was missing out on as a teacher, and longing for the day when I could somehow return to the classroom. I was only concerned about my teaching gifts that God gave me, and not my mothering gifts.

But Chapter 3 helped me to view my situation differently. The first page stated, “Some women stumble because they try to hop over this stepping-stone in their rush to pursue a more magnificent, profound purpose…Their daily roles are such an arduous, unapplauded battle that they just want to shake their first and shout to the heavens: “Enough! I want to do the fun, rewarding stuff—now!” They may be too worn out to see that today’s pressing roles are already brimming with a purpose that brings glory to their Creator. They don’t realize that their day-in, day-out efforts are extremely precious to the heart of God” (p. 45).

And that is exactly what I was thinking every day I dragged myself out of bed to get my kids breakfast, to wipe the table for the 4th time that day, to pick up their toys, yet again. These boring tasks just consumed me (and this is WITH having a nanny and a cleaning service, so I am quite aware of how easy I really do have it compared to others). And I could think nothing but what I could be doing instead in the classroom!

The chapter goes on to say. “It is not God’s plan for you to spend today chasing after your future one thing when your many things are right in front of you. You were born to make a Christlike difference in hundreds of ordinary ways, not to ignore or avoid the present opportunities while looking for a bigger, more noticeable project” (p. 47).

This was so important for me to read and understand. I often think of my friends who “do it all”…awesome career, keeping the house, raising kids ,etc. and wonder why I can’t be more like that. I would be angry with myself, angry with my circumstance, and well, just plain angry about everything…despite the beautiful opportunities to mother my children sitting right in front of me.

Now this is not to say that I’m just giving up on returning to the classroom. Oh no! I know that God gave me that talent and purpose to touch the lives of those crazy teenagers in our world today (and the book is not about telling women they should stay at home….the author herself worked all through her life, even with young children…I’m just applying the words to my circumstance). And when all this cancer stuff is done, I will pursue my teaching career. But I don’t have to be bitter about my choice to stay at home. It is my choice…and one that I am embracing and learning to enjoy.

The author continues: “Once we begin to appreciate the treasure of today’s roles, we begin to experience the stress-reducing benefits of peace and rest. Once we believe that God values our today, we can stop looking for the greener pastures of more grandiose or broad-reach assignments. We can let go of all the things people say we should be doing. We can rest in the knowledge that every day (yes, every task) is locked safely in God’s heart. We can hold on to the dreams God has given us about the future without the pressure of having to make them happen right this second!” (p. 48-49).

Besides waking up with a more positive attitude, wiping that table with pride, heating up that oatmeal with a smile, making that lunch without groaning, I’m also trying to seize opportunities to do more with my kids. Okay, I’ve always done things with my kids…but really try to ENJOY doing things with them.

So the other day, when I saw some marshmallows in the aisle of the grocery store, I thought that it would be fun to make some Rice Krispie treats with the kids. Before, I would “dread” making anything with the kids. They’d argue and fight over who would get to add the ingredients, who would get to work the mixer, who would get to taste it. Seriously, it would drive me CRAZY, and I just wanted them out of my way so that I could finish what I was doing in peace. But my newfound attitude led me to embrace this “cooking opportunity” with my kids. Now it is no secret that I am no Julia Child, or Emeril Lagassi, or Rachel Ray…or whoever the latest and greatest chef-of-the-day is. But Rice Krispie treats….how simple can that be!?! We were going to make them as a family…and it was going to be fun!

And it turned out to be fun. I gave each of the kids a tablespoon of butter for them to unwrap and add to the bowl, handed them each a measuring cup for them to add marshmallows and the cereal to the bowl, and “cooking” we did. Fun we all had…and I didn’t even have to yell or get mad!

Except, despite the microwave directions that I followed directly from the Kellogg’s website, this very simple treat, turned out disastrous. Somehow the marshmallow/butter mixture got too hard…there was too much cereal to mix in, and nothing mixed together right. I couldn’t even really press it into the pan as described in the recipe. What cereal did manage to adhere to the marshmallow mixture turned out hard as a rock.

I ended up making the stovetop version by myself while Cameron played Lego StarWars with his dad, as Max and Ella watched a movie on TV. Just to be sure, I added extra marshmallows and butter, and this version turned out much better!

But the point was, the kids and I had fun.

My next idea in embracing God’s plan for the moment….Christmas baking.

Should be interesting!