Fine, I'll just write it.

Let me preface this message by saying that everything I’m about to write is from the scientific, medical viewpoint. I personally am not banking on this. I know that the Lord can heal. I know that the Lord will heal. Now really, with 3 adorable kids like this, how could You not heal their mom? So as you read the factual stuff below, please don’t think I’ve given up. Please don’t think I’m doubting a positive outcome. Please don’t think I’ve lost hope. I haven’t. But we do need to pray for complete healing from our Lord. I so want to see His miracle. I just think that would be such an amazing story to tell!

Now with all that said, this is not an easy post to write. Not because it’s all news to me… but really because I feel bad for my friends and family who have to read this. However, I really am not going to put it off any longer.

When I first was diagnosed with a brain tumor, I had looked up a study at the Mayo Clinic that basically said when the breast cancer goes to the brain, there’s basically a few months to a little over a year life expectancy for the patient.

My husband did not like that I had found that article (that he had already read). He said that wasn’t my case. My tumor was confined and the tumors in the article may not have been and involved other issues as well. And so they took the tumor out…and we thought all would be well.

Then we found out it’s not all gone, and from the time of the surgery to the scan right after radiation started, the brain tumor had started to grow. Which is why you do brain radiation anyhow, to get all the “leftover” tumor. So we were hoping the brain radiation would stop/slow the growth of the tumor. As long as it wasn’t in the spine, we were fine. If it was in the spine, then that would be really bad. But mine wasn’t. So it was good.

But then it was in the spine. So that “rosier” picture of “at least it’s not…” has now disappeared. And the reality is that none of this is good…at all.

And considering how everything else is going, who knows if the cancer is now in my bone or what. Seems like every other week it’s something different. I can’t believe how crazy fast this cancer is spreading.

Asking the doctors recently if they knew anyone in my situation who had a favorable outcome, and they sadly, but honestly, tell me no. The treatments now are about buying time. If we do nothing, we’re talking weeks. If we do something, well, months. We’re looking at a few different chemotherapies. Some are oral, some drip directly onto the brain, some are injected into the spine. Some are a combination of all of them. My husband and I are going down to Mayo again tomorrow to discus options.

Again, I’m not expecting such a gloom and doom outcome. I’m expecting greatness! So please join me in doing so. And because so many people have asked...of course you may put me on your prayer lists...no permission needed there!


Ephesians 6: 10-18
In conclusion, be strong in the Lord; draw your strength from Him. Put on God’s whole armor, that you may be able successfully to stand up against the strategies and the deceits of the devil. For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood, but against despotisms, against the powers, against the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly sphere. Therefore put on God’s complete armor, that you may be able to resist and stand your ground on the evil day, and, having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having tightened the belt of truth around your loins and having put on the breastplate of integrity and of moral rectitude and right standing with God. And having shod your feet in preparation of the Gospel of peace. Lift up over all the shield of saving faith, upon which you can quench all the flaming missiles of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation and the sword that the Spirit wields, which is the Word of God. Pray at all times in the Spirit, with prayers and entreaty. To that end keep alert and watch with strong purpose and perseverance, interceding in behalf off all the saints.

Preparation...for what?

This is not an easy post to write. But I've always told myself that as I write this blog, I will be honest. So there will be times when I'm happy and upbeat. And there will be other times when I'm the opposite. My expression of my feelings are not to try to garner pity or encouragement, it's just a revealing of my emotions at the time I'm writing.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how God had been preparing me for my new cancer diagnosis, so that when I received the news, although I wasn't happy about it, I was okay. Because of the nagging feelings I was having on the inside, the things I had read about, and some people I had talked to, God had me ready for my cancer comeback, and I was able to deal with it positively.

But now I have to be perfectly honest and admit that I'm afraid of what God might be preparing me for next.

Lately I've been waking up very early. And if the kids aren't awake yet, I embrace the time that I have alone to have some quiet time with God. This is something I've been lacking in my life; also something I've known for years that I wanted and needed to do. Our paster has preached about this before. Now really, is it that hard to set the alarm 20 to 30 minutes early to give God your first minutes of the day? Is that really too much of Him to ask of us? Through the years I've always prayed for a closer relationship with God, and to have a closer relationship with anyone, including God, you have to work at it. I've always envied those people who say something to the effect about God speaking to them. I never felt that. This doesn't mean God wasn't speaking to me. He speaks to me all the time, but I do feel that to recognize what he's trying to tell me, I need to read His Word and discover all the great plans He has for us. I've been excited to get up early to see what I will learn from God each day.

Except these past few days, I've been nervous about my time with the Lord. For no particular reason, I picked up the Bible and started to read the book of Romans. Each day I read, I try to write down a verse that I feel speaks to me...mostly ones that are encouraging. So I get to Chapter 5. And happily noting Romans 5: 3-5, I start reading verse 12. It says, "Therefore, as sin came into the world, through one man, and death as the reslt of sin, so death spread to all men because all men sinned." And much of the rest of the chapter talks about sin and death. So immediatly I start thinking, "What is God speaking to me here? " and I get a little worried.

But then the next day, as I'm having my quiet time, Romans 6 continues to talk about death. Now mind you, it's all about dying but having eternal life in Christ. And I get that, and it's great and wonderful and something to rejoice about. It's amazing really. Words can't describe the joy I feel about this. But when I sit and think about my family, thoughts of me dying....thoughts of anyone dying...don't make me happy. And so as I read I continue to feel nervous. "What is God speaking to me here?".

Then the next time I pick up the Bible, I start chapter 7 in Romans, and guess what it's talking about? To be more specific, it's discussing how a man and woman are bound by law to be together as long as they live. But if one dies, the marriage law is no longer binding. At this point, honestly, I'm in tears. I'm wondering if all this talk about death is supposed to be preparing me for something. Okay, I shouldn't skirt around the issue, I'm just going to say it. Is everything that I've been reading about death supposed to be preparing me for my own death?
And becasue of what I've read the past few days, I'm afraid to read more. Honestly, I don't want read about death...at all!

I shouldn't even be thinking about dying! I haven't received any medical tests saying the surgery to remove the brain tumor was not successful. I am confident that the doctors are doing everything they to make me cancer-free. And I believe that God is healing me.

I wish I could sit here and write about some positive revelation that I had from God. I wish I could write about something great that I learned from my quiet time this week. I wish I could write exactly what God was speaking to me. But to be honest, I can't. I don't know yet why He had me read these chapters. He had me read many positive, uplifting verses as well

For now, I'm just going to keep reading, and keep praying. Praying for healing, praying for positive thoughts, praying for strength, praying for clarity of His word, and praying for peace within.

Is this the one?

First I'd like to start off this post by stating that I realize how blessed I am. I am so fortunate to be in this situation, and for that I thank my husband for all his hard work.

I've made it quite clear to several people that I'm not a great stay-at-home mom. As a matter of fact, I try to get out of the house as much as possible. My kids pretty much expect us to go somewhere, or do something fun almost every day. The more we hang around the house (unless we're watching movies) the crazier and messier everything seems to get. And my patience wears tissue-paper thin.

Now, I have an amazing nanny, and I've finished all my Master's work, so lately, I've just been bored. And the decision of what to do next year has been on my mind all the time...stressing me out actually. Yes, as I stated in the beginning, I understand how fortunate I am to be in this situation, where I have choices and finanacially it doesn't matter what I do. I wrote in a previous post about my options after I graduated, and at the time I was leaning toward starting a consulting business where I would work with teachers..probably in charter schools. And this is what my husband thought would be wonderful. And my best friend out East was all interested in how I was going to do this and such. And at first I thought this would be great, but as the reality of this set in, I didn't really feel the passion for it. It got to the point where I found myself planning it out because I knew my husband was excited about it....but I wasn't anymore. Because honestly, I have this strong desire to work with adolescents...not just teachers. This is where I excel. It's in inspiring these kids to read, or write, or just do something, anything, that really gets me going and is exciting to me. That's where my true passion and calling lies.

So I started asking God to help me figure out what to do. And I told God that it would be really great if he'd just whomp me over the head with the opportunity that he wants me to take...because I have all sorts of different things I can look into, but I just don't know what exactly I should persue and put my energy into. In all honesty, I really just want a very part-time middle school position, where I can use my knowledge and passion to connect with kids.....BUT I don't want it to be such a time and energy committment that I can't enjoy the time I have with my own kids...AND I want it to be fairly close by. That's a HUGE request, because rarely are there part-time middle school positions as a Language Arts teacher.


But today, for some reason, when Sara had the kids and I was supposed to be making all sorts of doctors/dentist appointments and going through the paperwork piled up on my desk, I decided to just look into the employment link of a nearby school district.

And wouldn't you know, I came across a .2 FTE (that's like maybe 2 classes) Language Arts middle school position. Although I really don't know anything about the job, it fits all the logistical requirements I listed above.

So I immediately kicked myself in the butt and started creating an updated resume, a letter of inquiry, requesting letters of recommendation, completing an online application and e-mailing the principal of the school directly.

I'm not sure what, if anything, will come of all this. But please pray that if it's God's will, that I get an interview for this position. Because right now, I really do want it!