This is not an easy post to write. But I've always told myself that as I write this blog, I will be honest. So there will be times when I'm happy and upbeat. And there will be other times when I'm the opposite. My expression of my feelings are not to try to garner pity or encouragement, it's just a revealing of my emotions at the time I'm writing.
A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how God had been preparing me for my new cancer diagnosis, so that when I received the news, although I wasn't happy about it, I was okay. Because of the nagging feelings I was having on the inside, the things I had read about, and some people I had talked to, God had me ready for my cancer comeback, and I was able to deal with it positively.
But now I have to be perfectly honest and admit that I'm afraid of what God might be preparing me for next.
Lately I've been waking up very early. And if the kids aren't awake yet, I embrace the time that I have alone to have some quiet time with God. This is something I've been lacking in my life; also something I've known for years that I wanted and needed to do. Our paster has preached about this before. Now really, is it that hard to set the alarm 20 to 30 minutes early to give God your first minutes of the day? Is that really too much of Him to ask of us? Through the years I've always prayed for a closer relationship with God, and to have a closer relationship with anyone, including God, you have to work at it. I've always envied those people who say something to the effect about God speaking to them. I never felt that. This doesn't mean God wasn't speaking to me. He speaks to me all the time, but I do feel that to recognize what he's trying to tell me, I need to read His Word and discover all the great plans He has for us. I've been excited to get up early to see what I will learn from God each day.
Except these past few days, I've been nervous about my time with the Lord. For no particular reason, I picked up the Bible and started to read the book of Romans. Each day I read, I try to write down a verse that I feel speaks to me...mostly ones that are encouraging. So I get to Chapter 5. And happily noting Romans 5: 3-5, I start reading verse 12. It says, "Therefore, as sin came into the world, through one man, and death as the reslt of sin, so death spread to all men because all men sinned." And much of the rest of the chapter talks about sin and death. So immediatly I start thinking, "What is God speaking to me here? " and I get a little worried.
But then the next day, as I'm having my quiet time, Romans 6 continues to talk about death. Now mind you, it's all about dying but having eternal life in Christ. And I get that, and it's great and wonderful and something to rejoice about. It's amazing really. Words can't describe the joy I feel about this. But when I sit and think about my family, thoughts of me dying....thoughts of anyone dying...don't make me happy. And so as I read I continue to feel nervous. "What is God speaking to me here?".
Then the next time I pick up the Bible, I start chapter 7 in Romans, and guess what it's talking about? To be more specific, it's discussing how a man and woman are bound by law to be together as long as they live. But if one dies, the marriage law is no longer binding. At this point, honestly, I'm in tears. I'm wondering if all this talk about death is supposed to be preparing me for something. Okay, I shouldn't skirt around the issue, I'm just going to say it. Is everything that I've been reading about death supposed to be preparing me for my own death?
And becasue of what I've read the past few days, I'm afraid to read more. Honestly, I don't want read about death...at all!
I shouldn't even be thinking about dying! I haven't received any medical tests saying the surgery to remove the brain tumor was not successful. I am confident that the doctors are doing everything they to make me cancer-free. And I believe that God is healing me.
I wish I could sit here and write about some positive revelation that I had from God. I wish I could write about something great that I learned from my quiet time this week. I wish I could write exactly what God was speaking to me. But to be honest, I can't. I don't know yet why He had me read these chapters. He had me read many positive, uplifting verses as well
For now, I'm just going to keep reading, and keep praying. Praying for healing, praying for positive thoughts, praying for strength, praying for clarity of His word, and praying for peace within.