Mile 13.1
Today I started my last (yeah!) round of the aggressive chemo Adriamycin/Cytoxan (AC). This stuff is crap. It makes me nauseous, tired, and I get very achy. (Okay, it’s not crap since it kills the cancer, but you know what I mean.) But worst than all the physical side effects, it messes with me emotionally...and no one warned me about this. During this first week after chemo, I have this unexplained air of hopelessness. Even with all my help and everyone’s prayers, I feel like there is no way I can cope with all that I’m going to have to endure the next couple years. I look in the mirror and just see an alien…freak…mutant. I have this complete desire to just go to sleep, and wake up 2 years later when it’s all over.
When I write this now, before the poison starts attacking me, I think how ridiculous these emotions seem. I have so much to be thankful for, and I should be stronger. However, each time they’ve surfaced around Wednesday or Thursday, but by Sunday, they’re completely gone…poof! Like a mini 4 day depression. The second week I’m completely fine. I usually feel quite great actually. Last week I even ran twice! But this weekend I started to think about my chemo starting again, and just the thought of it opened the door for a little bit of dread to settle in.
But God has ways of putting things in perspective and humbling me. Today during chemo, where we’re all just a few feet from each other, I was across from a lady, probably in her late 40s/early 50s, who really had a fabulous wig and was very fashionable in jeans and hooker boots. Her daughter, who was probably in her early twenties, was hanging out with her, both on their laptops. I overheard her daughter tell the man next to her that her mother had breast cancer, and she was on her 19th treatment…out of 20!
The man she was speaking to then told her that he was going to have to have chemo for TWO years!
I was quickly put in my place, and reminded that the Lord only gives us what we can handle. And I can handle this last round of AC, and then 4 more rounds of Taxol. That’s NOTHING compared to what other people have to go through.
No hopeless feelings here this week….I hope....and pray...of course.
Labels: chemo
posted by Undomestic @ 8:35 PM
5 Comments:
Don't condemn yourself for your emotions - if you didn't have them, you wouldn't be "human". WE all have them and, as you can see, they come and they go. You're going through something very big, and, from time to time, you are allowed to have your chemo-induced depression. As you said, it doesn't last, and seems to be caused by the chemicals pumping into your system. Your attitude is still wonderful, as are you, so give yourself a BREAK!!! You're just hitting the "wall". Push through it, and keep running, the finish line is up ahead.
Seems as though some of the folks in your oncology office are "ultramarathoners", while others are "halfers" and you and others are "marathoners". Keep your pace, and don't let the occasional "wall" or "cramps" stop your progress back to health! So many people love you and are praying for and with you, even when you are feeling your worst. God will bring you through this.
Maybe you should buy a pair of hooker boots and ask that woman where she got her wig! Get a mani/pedi (if you can) and strut your stuff!
You are loved - never forget that!
Love & hugs!
The key is to not let depression linger--that is when it becomes a problem. You are fighting a battle and during that fight there are times when it seems impossible to win or that the end will never come. But you have already won because Jesus won the victory for you when He died and rose from the grave. He defeated the enemy. We just have to maintain the victory won for us.
“But God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted above what you are able, but with the temptation (test or trial) will also make a way of escape, that you may be able to bear it” 1: Cor 10:13.
My favorite part of the scripture is WILL WITH--meaning at the same time. When the temptation, test or trial comes, the way of escape is already provided. Laughter is your way of escape. Laugh, when you don't feel like it. Laugh when you are tired and think you can't go on. Laugh right in the face of the devil so that he is reminded that Jesus is the victor and you are an over comer because you live, move, and have your reason for being in Jesus (Acts 17:28).
Just like when you run a marathon, you keep your eye on the prize which is the finish line. “…we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses…and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2
If you have an opportunity, please read Hebrews chapters 11 and 12. They are know has the faith chapters and will help to encourage you and give you strength to resist the depression that tries to over take you.
(Okay, part of that was for me too--smile)
Virtual hugs and kisses to all, :)
Amen, wiferhood, amen!
Cari,
Just the fact that you recognize this happening is a good thing. Don't beat yourself up about it. It must be so awful, especially when that chemo depression descends. Try making a list of 10 wonderful things in your life. Some major like husband and kids, but some minor like a good glass of wine. Have that handy when the depression kicks in to look at for those days when life seems bleak. Hang in there. You are much loved. This will pass.
The key to working through and past thoughts like these is to recognize them for what they are. Sounds like you've already done that - you're able to see the blessings that you do have. I have a hard time doing that, and I don't have your excuse!
Continued good thoughts and well wishes.
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