Details and Requests

So here’s the news:

Surgery next Friday. I think it’s around noonish. (My husband set up the appointment, so I can’t remember the exact time he told me).

I will have a mastectomy of my left breast. I think the doctor also might take out some lymph nodes…I can’t remember. I was in a bit of a daze during part of our meeting, especially when my husband turned into doctor mode and starting discussing all this stuff that I had no clue about. I just let them have their “doctor chat” until they were ready to include me.

The tumor I have is a “triple negative,” and I could go look up what I wrote in my notes, but this involved more “doctor chatting” and I can just tell you that the ramifications of this is that it cannot be treated with hormone therapy.

Unfortunately, due to my age and location of the tumor, which is right up against my muscle, I am going to need to have radiation. This means that I canNOT have reconstructive surgery until after the radiation is over. Which means I will look like some freak for about six months or so.

About three weeks after the surgery I will start chemotherapy, and then radiation after that.

But THEN, after about six months, I can have reconstruction and get what my friend calls, an “upgrade.” At the time of my reconstruction, I might even opt to have my right breast removed so that I don’t have to worry about cancer popping up there as well. I meet with a plastic surgeon tomorrow to discuss all this. And if I’m lucky, she’ll assure me that she can make me look like this:

(except I'd prefer that my belly button not be airbrushed out!)

Now everyone keeps e-mailing me asking what they can do.

I have two requests.

If you know of any place that sells really cool head scarves, or really funky wigs, please let me know. Because I’m not walking around showing off this lumpy head of mine!

Secondly, and I’m trying to say this as politely as possible.....please do not critique how I’m dealing with all this. Lately I’ve had good friends, family members, strangers, etc. allude to the fact that I’m too happy. That maybe I’m masking how I really feel and that I must feel like I need to put up some happy front around them or when I talk to them on the phone. But in all honesty, it is no front. I have complete faith in God and in my doctors that all of this is going to be fine. And I’m not trying to be some person of super strength, or some martyr. Really, I am very encouraged and happy when I am around my friends. Being around people makes me feel good…period! Any connection with people talking about all our regular stuff just cheers me up. I must confess that I check my e-mail and blog about 20 times a day hoping for a message or comment…for the mere fact that it makes me feel good. And one must admit, there are some things that are just funny about this whole ordeal, so why not joke and laugh about it.

Besides, I'm not jolly all the time. There are times lately when I am just sad, and I let the answering machine pick up the phone, or I complain about everything because I'm just really grouchy. And I have NO problems shedding tears (my husband can attest to this). I am a really good crier…when I’m sad, or hurt, or even mad. And I’m sure when it comes time to having this surgery, the tears will be falling, because the reality of the surgery really scares me. And the 6 months after the surgery, when I’m walking around feeling like some mutant with one breast, an awful looking scar, no hair, and dealing with whatever other side effects of the treatment occur, I KNOW I won’t be some jolly happy camper.

But the reality is that life goes on. I have kids and a husband who need me. This cancer was caught early, and my prognosis is good. I’m surrounded by amazing friends, family, neighbors and others who have offered so much help it’s overwhelming. For all this, I’m happy and extremely thankful. So please let me be this way.