Mommy Failure???

After watching Rockstar INXS (I'm quite bummed because they kicked TY off...he would have been awesome for the band), I've spent the remainder of my evening perusing Nanny sites on the web. And although there's a huge relief to think about someone coming into the home a couple days a week to watch the kids, part of me feels like a complete failure. There are a ton of single moms out there who have so much more on their plate. There are plenty of stay-at-home moms who love what they do and have the perfect house, forever with a smile on her face. So why can't I just embrace the fact that I can afford to stay at home and be with my children. Why does it seem so overwhelming to me? Let me try to break this down.

1. I have a husband who works way too many hours a week, often leaving the house before the kids wake up, and not coming home until after they're in bed. The days when he does get home early, he's on call, so I can't plan any appointments because there's no guarantee he'll be around.

2. I have NO family to rely on in this state. I can't just drop off the kids at grandma's and get my haircut or go grocery shopping, etc.

3. My husband is VERY picky with babysitters...and of the 4 years we've been here, only one has been completely trusted with our kids....and she already has a full-time job, is not always available, and must travel from Lino Lakes to get here.

4. I am taking a grad class at the Univ. of Minnesota. The workload always seems pretty high to me. This time I'll have to go into a school a little bit, which means I have no care for my kids.

5. My neighbor, who I used to rely on for care if I needed to go to the doctors or something, is no longer available because she'll be doing ABA therapy with her autistic son every day of the week.

6. I have VERY active children. And a simple task like going to the grocery store seems monumental as I'm trying to balance a 1 year old in one arm (who now tries to get out of my arms so he can walk in the aisles and pull stuff off shelves), while pushing a full cart with my other arm. Not sure even how this could work when the baby comes in December.

7. Due to my husband's call schedule, Saturdays often seem just like any other week day, with all childcare/household responsibilties still on me.

As I read through this list, I guess it seems justified that I could use a little help watching the kids, so I could have some time to go to the store, make drs appts, do hw. But I still get all tense about it...thinking that other mom's do it, why can't I? My mom raised us 600 miles away from her family. And the money paid for a part-time nanny when I'm a stay-at-home mom, seems ridiculous. "Mother's Helpers" they're called to make the mom feel better about the whole deal. Still makes me feel like a failure.