Writings of a teachermom, choosing to stay home with her kids, while loathing all domestic responsibilities! In late Aug. 2008, I was diagnosed with Triple Negative breast cancer. After surgery, chemo and radiation, I was given theall clear. However, in the late summer of 2008, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, which metasticized to other areas.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


I have people who call me their hero...tell me how brave I am, etc. etc. But I must say, this is not all true. So I decided in this blog to just put it all out there. Not at all because I want sympathy, but because I want people to know what those with cancer, or those in wheelchairs go through. I don't want to sugar coat everything.

First of all, not being able to walk makes everything difficult. Actually, if I'm lying down, I can't even sit myself up or move around. My husband has to turn me at night so I don't get bedsores.

Using the bathroom is an event in itself. We had to turn our laundry room into a makeshift bathroom, using a commode (a portable toilet), in order to accomodate the size of my wheelchair. And I have numbness in all different sorts of my body, so I actually cannot really feel all the time when I need to use the bathroom. After too many accidents last week, I finally resorted to what I call "adult diapers" or Depends. I was mortified at first, but was convinced that if I didn't use them, I'd be stuck in my house.

I also cannot feel when I actually do use the bathroom. I have to listen carefully and hear myself urinate or have a bowel movement. Gross.....I know....but it's the truth.

Also, I am very emotional. I can cry very easily. Things like numbers and time continue to be confusing to me, and my short term memory is still messed up. And that's hard for me to deal with.

And sometimes I get a glimps in the mirror. And I know I'm not supposed to care how I look...I need to be happy to be alive...but when I see that reflection, I just want to hide. My husband reassures me all the time that I am beautiful still, but I just want to look like I did before all this started. Cameron actually said that he forgot what I looked like with long hair!

I have more to say, but I'm going to end it by saying that the real heroes are my husband, who help and love me non-conditionally, my mom who helps me constantly so I can get out and try to be "normal," and those in wheelchairs who overcome such obstacles everyday. They are the heroes.

Now I must go....as the weather is nice, and my mom is going to take me for a walk.

Psalm 6:1 Yahweh, don’t rebuke me in your anger,
neither discipline
me in your wrath.
6:2 Have mercy on me, Yahweh, for I am faint.
Yahweh, heal me, for my bones are troubled.
6:3 My soul is also in great anguish.
But you, Yahweh—how long?
6:4 Return, Yahweh. Deliver my soul,
and save me for your loving kindness’ sake.
6:5 For in death there is no memory of you.
Sheol, who shall give you thanks?
6:6 I am weary with my groaning.
Every night I flood my bed.
I drench my couch with my tears.
6:7 My eye wastes away because of grief.
It grows old because of all my adversaries.
6:8 Depart from me, all you workers of iniquity,
for Yahweh has heard the voice of my weeping.
6:9 Yahweh has heard my supplication.
Yahweh accepts my prayer.



At 3:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing what you're going through. Your story of courage never ceases to amaze me. It makes me realize how much we all seem to take for granted every little thing we are able to do ourselves. Your gift of sharing what you're going through gives me inspiration to be a better person.
I continue to pray for you always and every day. And I pray for your mom; for her to continue to be able to care for you in only the way a mother can.
With Love and Hope,

At 4:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


What you wrote makes me think all the more what a brave and amazing person you are.
You are also obviously doing a great job raising your kids...little Max is such a sweetheart. I wanted to let you know how much fun it was to have him over today. He and Rosie played with little farm animals most of the time, then they ran around hollering and laughing, listening to music downstairs. He has such great manners and always says "please" and "thank you", and he picks up toys after he's done playing with them without anyone even asking! I'm hoping Rosie will be inspired. :) He is a neat kid.
We are thinking about you.

-Kelly Meier

At 6:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cari, I am one of your internet readers, I don't know you in person, I just stumbled across your blog one day & I've been reading ever since. I read your latest post and felt inspired to comment. Everything you say & do is what makes you a hero to people. Your struggle to fight this disease with everything you've got and do it with style & grace is what makes you special. You have so many great support people around you, that's another testament to the kind of person you are. You touch so many people, even me, way out here in cyber space! Just because you have bad days, because you cry & become frustrated, that's part of it. No one expects you to be made of stone. Your heart is what comes shining through in your blog and in your children, family, and friends. I love the comment made by Kelly Meier...isn't it beautiful to know that you have kids who are such a joy to be around & know how to act around others! That doesn't happen often! You're raising them right! You are an inspiration to all. I hope you take the word of a complete stranger, because now imagine how your loved ones must feel about you!

At 6:59 PM, Blogger JJ said...

Sorry, I'm still calling you a hero. Your hubby and mom are Super Heroes. Someone really should get them capes, or at least fancy belts that have cool attachments.

Praying for you.

At 7:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Cari,
I'm one of the "lurkers" who has been following your journey. Today's post was real and frank and from the soul.
You've worked hard today. (Getting well is a fulltime job.) Now may you sleep well tonight.
Your friend in cyber space
PS. Romans 8:26

At 7:33 AM, Blogger Jaye said...

Being a hero doesn't mean you won't have bad days - you don't stop fighting and THAT'S one of the things that makes you a hero. Everyone that commented so far has attested also to that fact, especially Kelly's. Your desire to take care of those around you, even when you physically can't shows great love and strength. Your inner self that shines through the worst of times is what makes you a hero. So many people in your position would have given up, but you continue the fight. Melvin, your mom, the rest of your family and friends are all heroes, too. We love you and pray for and with you and your family continually!

Psalm 25
Unto thee, O LORD, do I lift up my soul.O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me. Yea, let none that wait on thee be ashamed: let them be ashamed which transgress without cause. Shew me thy ways, O LORD; teach me thy paths. Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day. Remember, O LORD, thy tender mercies and thy lovingkindnesses; for they have been ever of old. Remember not the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions: according to thy mercy remember thou me for thy goodness' sake, O LORD. Good and upright is the LORD: therefore will he teach sinners in the way. The meek will he guide in judgment: and the meek will he teach his way. All the paths of the LORD are mercy and truth unto such as keep his covenant and his testimonies. For thy name's sake, O LORD, pardon mine iniquity; for it is great. What man is he that feareth the LORD? him shall he teach in the way that he shall choose. His soul shall dwell at ease; and his seed shall inherit the earth. The secret of the LORD is with them that fear him; and he will shew them his covenant. Mine eyes are ever toward the LORD; for he shall pluck my feet out of the net. Turn thee unto me, and have mercy upon me; for I am desolate and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged: O bring thou me out of my distresses. Look upon mine affliction and my pain; and forgive all my sins. Consider mine enemies; for they are many; and they hate me with cruel hatred. O keep my soul, and deliver me: let me not be ashamed; for I put my trust in thee. Let integrity and uprightness preserve me; for I wait on thee.

At 7:59 AM, Blogger Fantastic Four said...

Cari...YOU are beautiful! You are a wonderful person and so brave to share your experience/struggle with cancer for the world to see! Cancer sucks! You have so many great people that are there for you and helping you! You are still the hero and fighter!!!! So is your family! We are praying for you everyday! It was great to see you out and about yesterday...Love-T

At 8:17 AM, Blogger KC said...

your family is amazing, and you are amazing, too. xo

At 10:15 AM, Blogger TRUTH SHARER said...


When I complain about the numbness in my feet - and all the other stuff that goes along with physical pain and frustration... I am thankful for your post - to set me in the reality of life again.

Those that love you are there because God sent them to be His Hands and His feet - to take you for walks - to care for your needs - of every type. They will be rewarded by Jesus - who sent them.

You are an inspiration and I'm so glad that I came here today - to remember how great our God is and how much He cares for us - even in the hard times.

I long for heaven... because it's where Jesus is. I desire to be with Him and to feel His touch, and trade the hem of His garment - for HIM!

Enjoy your walk and the beauty of the earth that He created. May we all give glory and praise to the One who gave us life - and life eternal through His own Son!

May you seek Him in His Word daily for your dose of medicine - to take your through without fear to what each day holds.

Song words:
"The same POWER that conquered the grave... LIVES IN ME" [and YOU]!

Acts 20:24
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me,
if only I may finish the race
and complete the task
the Lord Jesus has given me—
the task of testifying
to the gospel of God's grace.

Blessings upon blessings to you and yours!

Choosing JOY,
[JESUS - The One I Worship]

At 4:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

sending you a HUGE hug and a big kiss. you and your words are a gift to humanity.

At 5:03 PM, Blogger Marsha said...

Cari, Not a day goes by that I don't pray for you and because we are strangers I don't always leave you comments. But, today you were so honest and gave us all a lot to think about. I think you are the amazing person and you have an amazing family too.

I will continue to pray for you and I am so glad you are able to get outside and enjoy some of this record heat. I just wish it wasn't so windy.

At 10:38 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

You ARE amazing Cari! I really admire your strength and your perserverance as you battle this horrible cancer.

Melvin and your mom are both amazing as well.

Your transparency is humbling and truly a testament.

At 10:34 PM, Blogger Girl of Approval said...

Hero is such an interesting word. I followed your blog for a long time, then was unable to have internet access at home. When I finally was able to obtain access at home and read your jourey with cancenr... I was so sad. However, hero still describes you. You continue to fight, continue to parent, continue to love your husband, love your God, admire those around you, and keep on giving when it seems you have no more to give. Tis a hero in my book. Perhaps you should start reading other's books so you can see how hero is a word for you.


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