I have people who call me their hero...tell me how brave I am, etc. etc. But I must say, this is not all true. So I decided in this blog to just put it all out there. Not at all because I want sympathy, but because I want people to know what those with cancer, or those in wheelchairs go through. I don't want to sugar coat everything.
First of all, not being able to walk makes everything difficult. Actually, if I'm lying down, I can't even sit myself up or move around. My husband has to turn me at night so I don't get bedsores.
Using the bathroom is an event in itself. We had to turn our laundry room into a makeshift bathroom, using a commode (a portable toilet), in order to accomodate the size of my wheelchair. And I have numbness in all different sorts of my body, so I actually cannot really feel all the time when I need to use the bathroom. After too many accidents last week, I finally resorted to what I call "adult diapers" or Depends. I was mortified at first, but was convinced that if I didn't use them, I'd be stuck in my house.
I also cannot feel when I actually do use the bathroom. I have to listen carefully and hear myself urinate or have a bowel movement. Gross.....I know....but it's the truth.
Also, I am very emotional. I can cry very easily. Things like numbers and time continue to be confusing to me, and my short term memory is still messed up. And that's hard for me to deal with.
And sometimes I get a glimps in the mirror. And I know I'm not supposed to care how I look...I need to be happy to be alive...but when I see that reflection, I just want to hide. My husband reassures me all the time that I am beautiful still, but I just want to look like I did before all this started. Cameron actually said that he forgot what I looked like with long hair!
I have more to say, but I'm going to end it by saying that the real heroes are my husband, who help and love me non-conditionally, my mom who helps me constantly so I can get out and try to be "normal," and those in wheelchairs who overcome such obstacles everyday. They are the heroes.
Now I must go....as the weather is nice, and my mom is going to take me for a walk.
Psalm 6:1 Yahweh, don’t rebuke me in your anger,
neither discipline me in your wrath.
6:2 Have mercy on me, Yahweh, for I am faint.
Yahweh, heal me, for my bones are troubled.
6:3 My soul is also in great anguish.
But you, Yahweh—how long?
6:4 Return, Yahweh. Deliver my soul,
and save me for your loving kindness’ sake.
6:5 For in death there is no memory of you.
In Sheol, who shall give you thanks?
6:6 I am weary with my groaning.
Every night I flood my bed.
I drench my couch with my tears.
6:7 My eye wastes away because of grief.
It grows old because of all my adversaries.
6:8 Depart from me, all you workers of iniquity,
for Yahweh has heard the voice of my weeping.
6:9 Yahweh has heard my supplication.
Yahweh accepts my prayer.