An endless search for the cause

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer back at the end of August, I never thought to myself “why me.” Actually, my initial reaction was “why not me.” I’ve led a pretty nice life. I grew up middle class. We weren’t rich…we shopped on a budget and didn’t have designer clothes, but we never went hungry and my parents always worked hard enough so that we could vacation every year. My parents never divorced, and my college was paid for. I never had any major illness..no broken bones. I didn’t have anyone in my family die until I was out of college, and no one extremely close until my grandma died a few years ago. I had no trouble getting or staying pregnant. I live in a really nice house with a wonderful husband and very healthy children. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I’d wonder when my “time” would come. When I’d have my cross to bear. When my bubble would burst. So as I write this, I don’t ask, “Why me?”

But I do ask, “Why?”

Why do I have this breast cancer?

Or maybe the real question is, “What?”

What caused this cancer?

That’s what I really want to know. Because whatever caused it, I want to change. I don’t want to ever have to go through this again. I don’t want my husband or kids to ever have to deal with me like this again.

I want to know if it was the water I’m drinking, or some contaminated food I ate. Was it the charcoal I used? Was it something I drank, or something I breathed in? Was it something medical? Something natural? Something spiritual? Some cleaning solution I used?…oh wait a minute…I’m pretty sure we can rule that out.

If I knew what caused this, then I would change. I would stop doing whatever brought on this cancer. I would stop right now.

But no one knows. There are studies that show something or other may cause cancer. But nothing is ever conclusive. And for every study that states one thing, there seems to be another that refutes or questions the findings.

I actually stress out when I go shopping now because I find myself constantly thinking…Could these very red strawberries, that look so good, but are obviously well preserved with chemicals, have been the culprit? Or what about this meat? Maybe this milk? I could go on and on and on and on.

But instead I think I’ll relax and have a glass of wine….unless of course it’s the wine that did it.