Writings of a teachermom, choosing to stay home with her kids, while loathing all domestic responsibilities! In late Aug. 2008, I was diagnosed with Triple Negative breast cancer. After surgery, chemo and radiation, I was given theall clear. However, in the late summer of 2008, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, which metasticized to other areas.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

An endless search for the cause

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer back at the end of August, I never thought to myself “why me.” Actually, my initial reaction was “why not me.” I’ve led a pretty nice life. I grew up middle class. We weren’t rich…we shopped on a budget and didn’t have designer clothes, but we never went hungry and my parents always worked hard enough so that we could vacation every year. My parents never divorced, and my college was paid for. I never had any major illness..no broken bones. I didn’t have anyone in my family die until I was out of college, and no one extremely close until my grandma died a few years ago. I had no trouble getting or staying pregnant. I live in a really nice house with a wonderful husband and very healthy children. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I’d wonder when my “time” would come. When I’d have my cross to bear. When my bubble would burst. So as I write this, I don’t ask, “Why me?”

But I do ask, “Why?”

Why do I have this breast cancer?

Or maybe the real question is, “What?”

What caused this cancer?

That’s what I really want to know. Because whatever caused it, I want to change. I don’t want to ever have to go through this again. I don’t want my husband or kids to ever have to deal with me like this again.

I want to know if it was the water I’m drinking, or some contaminated food I ate. Was it the charcoal I used? Was it something I drank, or something I breathed in? Was it something medical? Something natural? Something spiritual? Some cleaning solution I used?…oh wait a minute…I’m pretty sure we can rule that out.

If I knew what caused this, then I would change. I would stop doing whatever brought on this cancer. I would stop right now.

But no one knows. There are studies that show something or other may cause cancer. But nothing is ever conclusive. And for every study that states one thing, there seems to be another that refutes or questions the findings.

I actually stress out when I go shopping now because I find myself constantly thinking…Could these very red strawberries, that look so good, but are obviously well preserved with chemicals, have been the culprit? Or what about this meat? Maybe this milk? I could go on and on and on and on.

But instead I think I’ll relax and have a glass of wine….unless of course it’s the wine that did it.

Labels: ,


At 9:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's not really your "thing", but the author Derrick Jensen adresses these considerations on a much larger spiritual and cultural scale in his books Endgame and I think a touch in The Culture of Make Believe. He has Chrons disease and shares the same considerations.


At 11:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kudos to you for summing up exactly how I feel. I was diagnosed in Sept 2007, just one week before my baby girl was born. I have a great husband, child and family, a great life, an exciting job and 37 years of wonderful moments - so what did I mess up along the way? I'm with you, it must have been the wine! Damn.

At 6:30 AM, Blogger Ann said...

Don't say the wine - because I can't give it up.

Fate, nasty fate is my answer. I am in pretty much the same boat as you with my nice life (and mine continues to be nice, thankfully) - I sometimes wonder when the hammer will hit and rock our world (for the negative). I am hoping it is when I am long past 90 - and all has continued to be peachy for so many years. It is possible.

At 7:11 AM, Anonymous kc said...

It's not the wine. I'm 100% sure.

Hang in there, girl. ;)

At 3:40 PM, Blogger mi said...

It's just one of those questions you will have to resolve yourself to not having an anwer to. Live your life the best you can. Make healthy choices, but enjoy the little things like a glass of wine without stressing over whether or not that is the culprit. I would guess that for no reason at all, you just got unlucky. Not because your luck was bound to change, but because life is random. btw- I think it very interesting that the security letters I now need to enter to post this comment are "praaayx"

At 4:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A book I am reading states the God often interrupts our seemingly perfect life with these life altering experiences in an effort to keep us from staying too comfortable in one spot for too long. The book states "We are such creatures of habit and so resistant to change the God sometimes has to shut off the way things were in our lives so He can bring us into the way He wants us to be.'

The good places in our lives can't last forever; maybe its His way of stretching you into a new comfort zone.

After all, if it was wine I likely would be in heaven by now!

At 11:21 PM, Blogger Caro said...

The cleaning supplies part cracked me up. No worries on that front around here either.

I had those same type of questions when we found out my son had autism. I felt it had to be something I had done or eaten while pregnant.

But I have come to the conclusion that stuff happens and while we can do our best, some questions never get answered.

You have faced the cancer with courage and dignity and I admire you.

At 11:23 PM, Blogger Caro said...

BTW I hope you don't think I was comparing cancer and autism. I just meant I questioned things a lot. :-)

At 3:03 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

I've always questioned was causes cancer as well...since I was eight. It is SOO normal to question that fact, I am sure millions out there do. I'm trying to do all I can (realistically) to "avoid" it. I am going to post some things I've learned from the book I read on my blog soon.

At 2:26 PM, Blogger ScrapAddictNV said...

I know exactly how you feel - 3 years to the date of finding out I had breast cancer, I found out that during my last surgery my plastic surgeon found another lump embedded in my muscle wall and it tested positive for cancer again - same breast side, even after a modified radical mastectomy. 3 yrs and it re-occured! Insane! Don't know yet if it spread or what my treatment will be this time, got lots of test lined up. Hope to know soon!!


Post a Comment

<< Home