Writings of a teachermom, choosing to stay home with her kids, while loathing all domestic responsibilities! In late Aug. 2008, I was diagnosed with Triple Negative breast cancer. After surgery, chemo and radiation, I was given theall clear. However, in the late summer of 2008, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, which metasticized to other areas.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Preparation...for what?

This is not an easy post to write. But I've always told myself that as I write this blog, I will be honest. So there will be times when I'm happy and upbeat. And there will be other times when I'm the opposite. My expression of my feelings are not to try to garner pity or encouragement, it's just a revealing of my emotions at the time I'm writing.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how God had been preparing me for my new cancer diagnosis, so that when I received the news, although I wasn't happy about it, I was okay. Because of the nagging feelings I was having on the inside, the things I had read about, and some people I had talked to, God had me ready for my cancer comeback, and I was able to deal with it positively.

But now I have to be perfectly honest and admit that I'm afraid of what God might be preparing me for next.

Lately I've been waking up very early. And if the kids aren't awake yet, I embrace the time that I have alone to have some quiet time with God. This is something I've been lacking in my life; also something I've known for years that I wanted and needed to do. Our paster has preached about this before. Now really, is it that hard to set the alarm 20 to 30 minutes early to give God your first minutes of the day? Is that really too much of Him to ask of us? Through the years I've always prayed for a closer relationship with God, and to have a closer relationship with anyone, including God, you have to work at it. I've always envied those people who say something to the effect about God speaking to them. I never felt that. This doesn't mean God wasn't speaking to me. He speaks to me all the time, but I do feel that to recognize what he's trying to tell me, I need to read His Word and discover all the great plans He has for us. I've been excited to get up early to see what I will learn from God each day.

Except these past few days, I've been nervous about my time with the Lord. For no particular reason, I picked up the Bible and started to read the book of Romans. Each day I read, I try to write down a verse that I feel speaks to me...mostly ones that are encouraging. So I get to Chapter 5. And happily noting Romans 5: 3-5, I start reading verse 12. It says, "Therefore, as sin came into the world, through one man, and death as the reslt of sin, so death spread to all men because all men sinned." And much of the rest of the chapter talks about sin and death. So immediatly I start thinking, "What is God speaking to me here? " and I get a little worried.

But then the next day, as I'm having my quiet time, Romans 6 continues to talk about death. Now mind you, it's all about dying but having eternal life in Christ. And I get that, and it's great and wonderful and something to rejoice about. It's amazing really. Words can't describe the joy I feel about this. But when I sit and think about my family, thoughts of me dying....thoughts of anyone dying...don't make me happy. And so as I read I continue to feel nervous. "What is God speaking to me here?".

Then the next time I pick up the Bible, I start chapter 7 in Romans, and guess what it's talking about? To be more specific, it's discussing how a man and woman are bound by law to be together as long as they live. But if one dies, the marriage law is no longer binding. At this point, honestly, I'm in tears. I'm wondering if all this talk about death is supposed to be preparing me for something. Okay, I shouldn't skirt around the issue, I'm just going to say it. Is everything that I've been reading about death supposed to be preparing me for my own death?
And becasue of what I've read the past few days, I'm afraid to read more. Honestly, I don't want read about death...at all!

I shouldn't even be thinking about dying! I haven't received any medical tests saying the surgery to remove the brain tumor was not successful. I am confident that the doctors are doing everything they to make me cancer-free. And I believe that God is healing me.

I wish I could sit here and write about some positive revelation that I had from God. I wish I could write about something great that I learned from my quiet time this week. I wish I could write exactly what God was speaking to me. But to be honest, I can't. I don't know yet why He had me read these chapters. He had me read many positive, uplifting verses as well

For now, I'm just going to keep reading, and keep praying. Praying for healing, praying for positive thoughts, praying for strength, praying for clarity of His word, and praying for peace within.

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At 7:39 PM, Blogger IrishMommy said...

Your post is so deeply honest and I admire you for sharing your most inner thoughts. I am constantly praying for you my dear friend. You have taught me so much and I thank God for bringing us together as friends. Keep up your bible reading!

At 7:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can only imagine the different thoughts that you must be having, especially with three young children. You are handling all of this with such grace and you truly are an inspiration. I pray for you and your family daily.

At 8:05 PM, Blogger Nancy said...

We were visiting Rob & Connie the day of your brain surgery and have been reading your blog since then. Rob's youngest brother is a Neurologist here in NY and he's been doing some interpreting for us.
We are praying for your recovery and think of you often.
David & Nancy Milstein (Connie's in-laws)

At 12:02 AM, Blogger mi said...

One thing about life, is that is is always a great mystery what is going to happen next. Just when we think things are under control, we are proved wrong. Obviously, I don't have the answer to what you are being prepared for. It seems to me that these quiet hours you have before your family wakes are allowing you to truly deal with what you are/have been experiencing this past year. You have faced some seriously scary things. It's no secret that they are potentially life threatening, so being concerned seems like a very healthy emotion. However, that doesn't mean that you are being prepared for death. Maybe, after having faced this possibility, you will appreciate every single second of life for the next several decades, because you will know just how precious each second is.

You are already a survivor from the first round. I have a strong feeling, you will wear that title for years to come. Your honestly is truly touching. Not many people would be able to express this so succinctly. Thank you for sharing with us.

At 9:15 AM, Blogger KC said...

cari, i agree with marlo (mi). peace be with you!

At 9:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Romans is that kind of book. Not really meant to be uplifting, more informational. once your done with Romans or if you want to put it aside for a minute, Ephesians will get you in a better place. It's really uplifting and tender. God's heart for His kids is apparent. It highlights what He's done for us and basically why and how He sees us. Just a little suggestion. Ephesians is chicken soup for the soul.

At 11:48 AM, Blogger wiferhood said...

Dear heart,

You are human and have been through an incredible (for lack of a better word) journey. Your natural human emotions think of the possibility of dying. I believe that to be natural. But to understand the book of Romans, you must understand the position of the Roman church at the time that Paul wrote that letter. The Roman church sought salvation through keeping the laws. So in essence, Paul was telling the Romans they had to let the flesh die to truly live in Christ. Also, the Roman church was quite immoral (and that is putting it mildly). So again Paul was teaching them to die to their lustful, fleshy desires and let Christ live in them.

Jesus came that we might have life and have it more abundantly (John 10:10). And Psalm 91 tells us that will long life He will satisfy us and show us His salvation. Death, because of the fall of man, is a part of this natural human existence. But God promised us length of days and His healing power is very evident in your life. The mere fact that you have the cognitive ability to process the scriptures that you were reading after having brain surgery less than a month ago is phenomenal. Continue to stay strong in your faith by focusing on God’s Word. We all you and continue to pray for you.

At 12:23 PM, Blogger wiferhood said...

Okay, that should read, We love you all and continue to pray for you. ;~D

At 1:34 PM, Blogger Shannon said...

Thank you for sharing your real thoughts. You have been through so much.

He will carry you, guide you, and provide for you.

I will continue to pray for your healing.

At 5:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think your faith is amazing and is truly a gift if it brings you peace. But, don't let it keep you from searching for other means to calm your very rational thinking. Continue to talk about this stuff. It is ok to verbalize these fears. If you don't, they will consume you. While I realize the last thing you need is another appointment, it would be worth looking into therapy or a support group.
You are brave, wonderful and most of all human. All great things!

At 8:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think what you are thinking about is normal for all you have been through. I hope things go good for you at Mayo. They helped me a ton 2 yeas ago. I pray you will get good answers on a cure. God Bless you all.

At 9:47 PM, Blogger Caro said...

Cari - I'm sorry you are scared. It's more than understandable. I know nothing of the bible but if I could reach out and hug you I would.

At 9:48 PM, Blogger Caro said...

I should add I know about the bible but I'm not familiar with any of the verses.

At 6:56 AM, Blogger LH said...

I love this picture of you all.
Thanks for posting!


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